Perspective

I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I do have ongoing mental "to do" lists that I would like to be able to eventually accomplish. My life, interests and energy flow in cycles, which I rarely seem to be able to predict or control. But I owe it to myself and those around me to try and work with my own internal cycles to create a more productive, healthier and less stressful me. It's odd how the older you get, the more you are really attuned to your body and mind. Now that I'm firmly entrenched in my early 40's, my soul seems to be calmer, what would have caused panic attacks and ulcers ten years ago are merely dull aches in the back of my head now. I'm not sure the problems have actually changed, merely my perspective of their actual importance in life, which is the real trick to handling stress.

I noticed about four years ago, when I was still at my last job, that I was beginning to have a different attitude towards people and things. I've always been overly conscientious, to the point of self-injury, and I slowly began letting go of some of my perfectionism and responsibilty for the well-being of the entire planet. I think it seemed to some people, including my husband who has called me a "cold Capricorn", that I became more distant and callous, and also much more cavalier, but I could tell that if I didn't put some distance between myself and harmful people and emotions that I would probably have a nervous breakdown. Reading Richard Carlson's Don't Sweat the Small Stuff helped immensely. Don't laugh, if you actually take the lessons in it to heart, it will help put your life and your problems in perspective. I wish I could get my husband to accept some of the points he makes, the most important being 'Will this matter a day from now? A month? A year?". Also, as frustrating as it is, there are just some things in life that we have no control over. Period. Worrying and obsessing over them just makes us ill.

For most of my life I worked in a high pressure job where every day was a new emergency and the more I really thought about it, the more I realized that all of the drama around me was unwarranted and did not help, it only made people more nervous and stressed out. So I began asking "why?", and speaking my mind more often. At the time I thought I was losing it, and had reached the "I really just don't give a shit" point, which perhaps I had, but being able to say what I normally kept locked up inside actually made me feel better. I've never been a rude person, I've always been the polite doormat that went out of her way to do everything for everyone but me. I have always felt guilty if I didn't give 110%, but I've learned to curb those feelings of guilt over the last few years.

Learning to say no to people is very enlightening. Everyone I worked with was climbing the corporate ladder, busy networking and ass kissing, but my job was as an "hourly" employee surrounded by executives and I realized that all I needed to do was my job, not everyone else's. I was always the model employee who remained after everyone else I worked with had been downsized, thus I ended up doing several people's job without the benefit of extra pay. I remember one of the big managers in my division was going to have a pool party and we had all been invited. Several of the young execs I worked with moaned about going, and one of them asked me if I was going to go. I told him no. He asked if I had other plans and I said "No, I just don't want to go". He was shocked. Saying no had never even occurred to him even though he actually did have other plans already that weekend. I used to worry that I needed to stay later at work to "get everything done", but I finally realized I could never get everything done, life is an undending "to do" list. I've also learned that I don't have to put up with inept and uncaring people when dealing with the public. Never be afraid to ask to speak with someone's manager if they're not doing all they can do (or not trying at all). My husband says I've become a "retail nightmare", but what I've actually done is learn over the years how things actually work in retail and other parts of the real world, and I've learned not to waste my time dealing with people who don't give a crap. Life's too damn short to spend it being pissed off and frustrated. I also try not to put myself into situations where I know I'm going to be put through unnecessary hell whenever I can help it.

So my promises to myself for 2003 are normal mundane things, but they're important to my well-being.

1. I need to be more conscious of what, when and why I eat. I also would like to improve my cooking skills so I'll appreciate the act of preparing and eating food. I know it's not that hard to make good simple food on a regular basis.

2. I need to start doing something, anything as a regular exercise. I've been using my poor health as an excuse for too many years. I have a stack of Living Yoga videos I've collected over the last few years and never even watched. I know I'll never be a jogger or aerobics queen but if I could do yoga a couple of times a week it might get me off on the right foot. The only exercise I've ever enjoyed and been good at was strength training and though I don't have the time, money or energy to go to a gym regularly, but I have a stack of dusty free weights in the garage that I should be able to put to some use.

3. Even though I work at home now, I rarely find time to do things that are really relaxing. I'm going to spend more time reading for pleasure (not just HTML and Photoshop manuals), make an attempt to meditate occasionally, and try and set actual limits on when I work. I have a tendency to work from the time I get up till when I go to bed, answering emails all bloody day, but I've found that's not only stressful, it's inefficient. I need to focus my energy on really paying attention to my work so I can get it done and over with so I don't feel resentful every time I turn my computer on. I've forgotten all of the fun things I can do with the thing ;-)

4. Speaking of, I'd like to spend some time writing. That's one reason I began this weblog, to give me an outlet to put all of the excess words that won't remain in my head, so I can get them out and actually sleep more at night. I have a hyperactive brain, always have had, and physically writing things on paper is torture for me, I have illegible handwriting and I can't write fast enough to keep up with my mind. But I've become a fairly proficient typist. So now I have no excuse not to attempt one of my huge lifelong goals, to actually write a novel. Even if I can't ever get the thing published, just completing it will give me a great sense of accomplishment.

5. I'm going to try and maintain healthier sleeping hours. I had gotten into quite a depressive mood this winter where I was staying up until dawn, working the whole time, and sleeping the day away. So I could never get much done. I've always been a night person, but I think I had developed an honest to goodness case of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Good clue, my light powered watch stopped working three times and had to be recharged with a lightbulb. I know a dumb thing for a Goth girl to buy, but it's so pretty and I've never had a really classy watch before. I rationalized my strange schedule by telling myself that I really was getting things done when my husband was asleep, my office is in an open room so I don't have the privacy I really need, but the last three weeks or so I've made a conscious effort to go to bed earlier and actually get out of bed earlier and I've found I almost have time to spare.

6. I'm going to try and get some sort of hold over my personal finances. Out of all the facets of my life, this has always been my biggest downfall. I call it "my only vice", and it is indeed a serious hazard to my health and mental well-being. Things have been very hard financially since I left my job, but my health was rapidly declining because of the atmosphere and physical demands of my job, so I decided I'd rather work for myself. But my poor little brain still wants to spend money like I did when I worked 40 hours a week. Actually, I think writing my novel pales with this problem, if I could overcome my financial instability, I'd be much better off mentally and physically. I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet and go through Consumer Credit Counseling (again).

7. What else... I want to try and live more consciously and "in the moment" instead of always thinking three steps ahead. I bought Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now� and have kept it in view on my desk to make me sit down and read it, we'll see if it really helps, I'll let you know. I need to continue to quell my need for perfection in everything I do, I've found if I don't I never get anything finished, or often even started. I need to keep my perspective on what's really important in life, and I need to just take better care of myself.

Speaking of which, it's past my bedtime...

Posted by Morticia at January 14, 2003 03:25 AM | TrackBack