state of unrest

Well, that pisses me off... I've been typing for like half an hour, listening to music trying to cover the din of fake applause for Wubya's recital (my husband's watching it in his room, he's not a fan, I think it's more morbid fascination), and had a really nice post going and Explorer crashed... grrrr... Gone, all gone. There's no "save" button on Movable Type till you're ready to publish it, unfortunately. Curses...

Where was I? Oh yes, I'm now on my second White Russian, I went and bought a little bottle of Absolut so I could make a proper one. I use more Kahlua and cream and a little less vodka, though. I made a Bacardi version at New Year's and it's just not the same. Much better with good vodka. I even managed to float the cream on this one. I think I used half and half before, it doesn't float worth a damn. Any excuse to have Kahlua, though, it's always been one of my faves. And I'm using one of my Waterford Roly Polies that I got on sale years ago, which is nice.

I needed a higher octane drink tonight than my usual Port, it's been a helluva day. Way too much drama, I hate drama. Less than three hours after I fell asleep the phone rang, they hung up and called right back and my husband answered it. Then he came storming into the bedroom because it was a bill collector... for me... oops. It's January, I've been doing the best I can, but not good enough for those guys. Actually they were bought out by someone else so they wanted to make a "new deal" with me. Thanks. Eight in the bloody morning. Set my husband off in a rage all day, he freaks out about money even though it's my account, etc. (I'm only late on one, dammit) I took a Xanax and half an Ambien to knock me back out so I wouldn't have to listen to him slamming doors and deliberately cranking the TV up all morning. (I'm really not a junkie, I have MS and I don't sleep much on a good day) I like to calmly reason with people when they're freaking out, but it doesn't work with him for some reason, he has to wind down by himself... He had to go visit with his poor mom at lunchtime, her husband's in the hospital (not my husband's dad, he passed on before we met). He was still pissy when he got back in the afternoon, so I went and happily ran my little errands till dinner time when he had cooled down a bit.

I went to the post office, long lines, computers down, stuffy and hot because the weather has swung back to the warm side since yesterday. A young woman behind me was mumbling about the lack of clerks and the long lines and trying to make small talk over the screaming out of control kids running amuck and I didn't really understand what she said the first time (I don't hear well in crowds). I try not to engage in conversations in line at the post office, either my husband or myself go from 3-5 times a week, so we're used to waiting in line and really don't want to join in the gripe sessions with the people who come once a year. When the kids finally left with their dad, the woman started talking to me again, and this time I could hear her. She said she was almost finished with her radiation treatment for skin cancer, and she showed me a bandage on her shoulder beneath her nicely tailored business suit. Dark-skinned young black woman, younger than me. Poor thing, I'm sure the heat in the place was making her uncomfortable. I politely consoled her and made small talk till I was finally called for my turn.

I'm unfortunately an empath by nature, people and their emotions tend to gravitate towards me unless I really put the auric force fields up. Then I tend to scare the crap out of the general public. Which is fine with me, I've found that predators don't tend to normally attack people who look like they could be insane in a dangerous way. When I used to have to walk around downtown during my lunch breaks, I'd just raise the "don't mess with me" shields and they usually wouldn't approach me. I've taken a few online quizzes for grins lately, I won't bore you with the graphics but the results were kind of fun. I took the Goth test and it said I was "46% Goth, Goth by night, normal by day. Deep in my heart I know I am evil, but not on the company's time. I do need to eat." I'm not sure that's really true, I used to unnerve a lot of the people I worked with ;-) I think I would have scored higher it I'd answered as if I was still in my 20's. I did have black satin sheets, I painted the walls of my first apartment black and grey. I also own my own fangs, custom made by Maven of Dark Awakenings. He was in town at Numbers a few years ago and I went and hung out with all the baby Goths till he showed up. I have the "Canines" set, they're snap-on caps, which works well for me, I have an overbite. I broke my first set because they had a bridge and my bottom teeth hit it. The caps are much more comfortable and don't require any adhesive, he molds and shapes them right in your mouth.

Out of idle curiousity I took the What Self Mutilation Are You quiz and it came back with a nice little pic of a razor blade and "You are cutting. You can be moody as hell, and probably don't know how you're feeling half the time. Despite this, you pull yourself together with a lot of strength and aren't to be messed with." OK, I kind of like that one. I like to think that people take me seriously and are never quite sure what to expect. I'm petite, but I'm brunette and have never been labeled conventionally "cute", which is fine with me. I don't like sharp things, but I do admit to picking at things till they bleed. I'm OCD, sorry, one of many outlets. Per Jack Off Jill, "she wears black so her arms can bleed". You've got to admit, black is more practical and stain resistant...

I think I'm back where I was when the crash occurred. The vodka is seeping in nicely, I think I'll go lay in bed and read till I fall asleep. I stayed up way too late last night. I got approved for all my new webrings, thanks to all! I love finding really relevant sites to link up with. I also added a lot of fem-centric links under my "Blogs of Style" column, I was up till almost 6am last night.

Third Explorer crash in one session... that's got to be a sign, off to hide under the sheets till this hellish day has passed...

Posted by Morticia at January 28, 2003 10:09 PM | TrackBack