At a Loss for Brains, Sleep Deprived

I almost did it today, I almost slept for more than five hours without waking up. And I wanted it bad, I haven't slept worth a damn the last couple of weeks, as if I ever do, but instead of my normal Lorazepam and Ambien bedtime meds last night I had Valium and Ambien. I had thought I was pretty desensitized to Valium but this time it worked really well, I was OUT, dreaming like crazy, deep down in delta wave world. Nothing particularly interesting, I remember I was walking through some sort of retail store auditing prices on shelves of towels and then... whoooosh! I hear my name and have some vague semblance of Sparky standing over me telling me about something from the Social Security office I got in the mail. What the hell?

Do you ever wake up and literally can't move because your brain still has you paralyzed from dreaming? That's where I was and suddenly I have someone talking to me, holding a letter in the dark with a flashlight and asking if he can open it and read it?? NO, GO AWAY my brain screamed but all I could manage to get out was "No, don't open my mail... don't care.. not now!". Finally after repeating that for what seemed to be about a dozen times he finally went away. Now I realize I hate to pee, what time is it, 11:30 am, crap! I went to bed at like 6 am with a projected wake up time of 3 pm, so now I have to get out of bed and use the bathroom and then make myself go back to sleep for like 3 hours. Usually after five hours in bed I've woken up several times, but I was doing so well today [sigh].

As I'm dragging myself out of bed, the cat starts crying at my closed bedroom door. Being a softie, I crack it to let her in, she likes to nap with me. I got to the bathroom, and am now half awake, and all the crap in my sinuses has shifted around just enough to make it difficult to breathe properly when I lay back down. I get comfortable back in bed, and then Sparky rattles ice cubes in the other room, which sends the cat into a frenzy and she races back out of the room and knocks the door halfway open on her way out. So I drag myself back out of bed and go close the door and manage to fall back to sleep.

For some reason the dreams I have when I've been thoroughly waken and make myself go back to sleep are always the weirdest and most vivid. And it leaves me incredibly groggy all day, like when I try and take a nap during the middle of the day, my brain doesn't do well with naps. So off I go back to dream world... This time I'm working security at a department store, but I'm not really working there, but I'm going to go in to work on Easter Sunday, but then they tell me that the store will be closed that day and I shouldn't come in, as a matter of fact I'm not needed at all. But for some reason I have all this stuff there that belongs to me and I need to take with me. But I need a lowboy to move it to my car, and there's an angry rottweiler between me and the lowboy. But I've got to get to it.

Somehow I figure out that the dog only goes ballistic when you're running away from it, and it you address her nicely and talk to her she won't bite you. I'm not sure what sort of psychological issues I'm working through here, but I manage to go out to get the lowboy and pacify the dog, who turns out to be friendly in a sort of edgy way. So I get back to the store and start loading all this stuff I have on to the cart. But it looks suspicious, because it's all clothing and beauty products, which people have given me to sell on eBay, but I realize most of it is worthless and end up trying to give as much away as possible because I don't want it.

I often dream I have way too much stuff, or have to move quickly and have too much stuff to be able to pack it all. I'm apparently overwhelmed by life it seems, because in my dreams I can never manage my belongings. I feel like that in real life too, even though everything I own is nicely organized and for the first time in my life I pretty much know what I have and where everything is.

Nonetheless, I've been all druggy and groggy the entire day, like if I lay my head down for even a minute I'll be unable to move again. Not really sleepy, just out of it, with that humming feeling in the back of my head. It reminds me of when I had mono and I was too tired to even read or watch TV but couldn't stand to sleep anymore. All I've managed to do today is make dinner, relist some eBay auctions, exercise the kitty, surf a little bit and type this.

So no Valium tonight, though I really think the main reason I feel like is from my weird sleep patterns. I bitched and whined and begged Sparky to please stop waking me up and to stop opening my damn mail. I know he's bored (and on the lookout for any credit card offers, which I get daily anyway via email and my PO box, like I'm going to fall into that trap again...), and needs a hobby, but dammit, let me sleep and have a little bit of privacy. He also woke me up when the results of my physical arrived in the mail, yes the first thing I want to hear upon waking is my cholesterol is 300+, and for phone calls (take a message, please)... I know, I need to go to bed earlier and get up earlier, I am trying, but all the constant sleep interruptions make it incredibly difficult.

OK, got that out of my system, good... Not even 1 am, too early to sleep yet, but I'm not sure what to do the next few hours. I'd like to read but I'm not sure I have brains enough to even do that right now...

Posted by Morticia at April 24, 2004 12:48 AM | TrackBack