You know it's been too long since you've written when you have to look up your login information to your own blog (sigh).

I think I know where I went astray, there was a non-stop chain of events that began back in April & May... Mostly over health scares for my uber-healthy husband, followed by lots of visits to the doctors, new medicines to be started by both of us, a colonoscopy for my husband (all clear!), and much drama all around. And I was typing a daily offline diary trying to follow any side effects and problems with the new meds, so that was a distraction. I had some very bad reactions to several of the new prescriptions I was given (Lunesta & Lipitor), so that actually came in very useful.

Also around April my best friend began taking bellydancing classes (in another state, unfortunately) to lose some of her new mommy weight and the idea appealed to me also and I got hooked. No live classes but lots of research, music downloading, and intructional DVD purchasing. And some of the other accessories, but that's a whole new thread to be started. But I have lost some weight and have gotten much better abs, plus it's helped my asthma and my digestive problems. So that has been occupying a lot of my time.

Ebay has been as busy as usual, in the late summer it suddenly got much harder to actually make a profit, and get everyone to pay me. The whole world is broke also apparently.

But a fellow Halloween fan (and fellow bodybuilding fan) has written me some very nice emails, and I've been venting at him about how awful the world is and how sometimes it's actually a good thing to have a healthy obsession to keep from losing your mind. I think I've been keeping too much in my head, thinking I don't have the time to blog, too much work to do, too far behind on other projects, but I need to type something other than Ebay descriptions apparently, because lots came spilling out. And I've noticed the last few weeks that my stomach has been acting up more than usual, so I'm a little concerned that I've been keeping too much pushed down in my brain and it's trying to come out through my esophagus (yuck). My dad had ulcers from his stress, I'm a lot like him that way.

The world is so broken now, I don't know where to begin, so I actually started another webpage just for the bellydancing hobby. It's not finished yet, but it has provided a pleasant distraction and a place to put some of the tons of info I've dug up about everything from the music to the costumes. And an outlet for my OCD, but at least I'm learning something new, and improving my health. I've been driving my husband nuts with the music, but it's very therapeutic to me in the same way that jazz music calms me down and improves my coordination.

And with Halloween coming, I've committed myself to re-learning to sew (the big obstacle is my constantly changing vision). I've gone as far as buying a dress form (they were half off at Joann's!) and have built it up to match me as close as possible (good instructionals here and here on how to do this), so now I have a lifesized blue version of myself standing in the front room (much to the shock of my husband, he who bans kitty towers from the house because 'they're tacky'), but I feel like I can actually make a blouse that fits, and perhaps I'll stop buying black tee shirts. And I've bought a half dozen patterns and some new fabric so we'll see what happens. At the very least I should have a better Halloween costume than usual :-)

When I went across town last week to pick up my taxes, I stopped at Memorial City mall ('the nice mall') on the way back. And I spent hours walking the whole mall doing the What Not To Wear thing - looking at as many stores as possible, trying things on that I wouldn't normally... Unfortunately, spring is not my favorite shopping season. I don't wear tank tops, shorts, sandals, and swim suits. I'm always happy when the fall clothing starts coming out, even though it's warm here most of the year, but I'm mostly an indoor person anyway. But after an afternoon of trying to find something to wear that looked decent, I can sympathize with the WNTW girls that only end up with a pair of shoes on day one.

Having worked in retail for half my life, I saw all the current trends repeating in every store I went in, it really got pretty boring after awhile. Embellished tees, frilly peasant skirts, lacy Victorian cap-sleeved blouses, lots of lace trim everywhere, tunics (which I like but not with all the damned beads all over them), empire seams (can't wear them), bold black & white outfits. Jeans with holes rubbed into them (why is this style back again?), thin, cheaply made printed tees that look like they've been washed too many times (and shrank down to nothing).

I was actually looking for some interesting tees, I like some of the tie dye patterned ones that are popular now, I bought a black and a brown one (but no sequins!), and I even bought a store brand knock off tee that had a nice ivory, grey and black print of Times Square and Broadway on it. It had little sequins and beads all over the front, which I carefully took off with a seam ripper. I got one good wearing out of the shirt, and then I stupidly put it in the dryer and it shrank like three inches in length (sigh). Why don't things ever shrink from side to side, that's what I was aiming for because it was a little baggy. Now it's too short, and still baggy, which is not a good look on short, large-chested girls ("when's your baby due?"). If anyone asks me that, I will never wear that shirt again.

So after wearing myself out walking all over this enormous mall, all I found was a black velvet gothic Halloween costume top at Torrid. It was on clearance or I wouldn't have bought it. My first mall stop had actually been at Sephora, because I need some more face cream, I think my Clarins lotion has gone rancid, it has a strange chemical smell to it and I'm very paranoid about anything I put on my face because of my Rosacea, which has been getting bad again. I thought about getting some more Clinique CX Redness Relief face cream, but I used it and the Rapid Recovery Serum earlier this yeat and didn't really notice any improvement. I do like the RR Serum, but for $75 a bottle, I decided I ought to try something else. And besides, no stores in the mall carry the CX line, it's a Neiman's/Saks exclusive type thing still.

So I stood around in Sephora, smearing various things on my face to the point where I couldn't tell what was working and what wasn't anymore. I looked for my Christian Dior NoAge fluid that I used to really like (a really mild skin resurfacer), it's been discontinued. I think I tried every redness relief cream they had - DDF, MD Formulations, Dr. Brandt, Cosmedicine, B. Kamins Booster Blue (which actually stained my hand blue for like half an hour), etc. - and I finally out of frustration settled on Murad's Correcting SPF 15 Moisturizer because I could actually feel it cooling my face a bit, and it had a green neutralizing tint, and for a try-me product it only cost $34. I was also so burned out from trying things and the salespeople in Sephora always sort of creep me out. Even when you buy something they treat you weird. Just for grins I also sampled some of the famed Hylexin eye cream for 'serious dark circles', because I wanted to see if I had an allergic reaction to it and if it did anything at all (not). I just put it on one eye as a test and I didn't really notice any difference in appearance, though I did have a bit of itching later in the day.

By the time I had walked all the way around the mall, I was exhausted and it was late, and I grabbed a Starbucks Caffe Vanilla Frappuccino (I don't like coffee but somehow I've gotten addicted to them) on the way back to Foley's and my car and ended up wandering through Foley's sipping my drink, looking at clothing and meandered over to the lingerie section. After spending hours trying on clothes and being very unhappy with the results, I decided I should try and buy a new bra. (And lose about 30 pounds) I rarely (on Halloween maybe) wear bras, they're uncomfortable, they hurt, and it's fricking hot in Houston. Years ago I had found a Bali bra without an underwire (the Double Support style) that I considered semi-wearable, but I realized it was also too small, and probably was when I had bought it, so I decided to try the next band size up.

Never go bra shopping when you're really tired. It's hard enough when you're fresh, it's sort of like shopping for shoes if you don't really know what size you are or what style you like, it's very overwhelming and can make you very dizzy. And it's been a long time since I've wandered into that department, I usually just stop at panties, and for some reason all of the new bras look like some sort of movie prosthetic devices, vacuum molded out of foam. Speaking of trends, I guess Victoria's Secret styling has rubbed off on the other manufacturers.

If I have to wear a bra, I refuse to wear an underwire, my ribs are very prominent and bruise easily, so I ended up back in the Bali section looking at the same bras I already owned. Oh well, whatever. The last one I bought I They were on sale for buy two get one free (mail in rebate?) but they only had two in that size and I was really tired by this time.

When I got home I had this nagging suspicion that something wasn't right, and when I was cutting the tags off of the first bra I saw the measuring instructions (see the next entry on the subsequent shopping spree)... and realized I had probably bought the wrong size and whipped out my measuring tape. I was either a 40D or possibly a 40C (wouldn't that be nice!). So maybe bra bands don't have to hurt, I'd just been buying the damned things too small for my big ribcage. So back in the bag they went, I'd try again next week, there's literally a sale every week...

And after a few days of using it, I really liked the Murad moisturizer, I've never used Murad products before but I know they have a good reputation with sensitive skin. I read the little brochure that came in the box, then looked them up at Sephora.com and realized there is also a Redness Therapy Gel (Recovery Treatment Gel) that I hadn't seen at the store or I would have bought it (don't want to use an SPF at night), so I decided to just go ahead and order it online, along with the Redness Therapy Soothing Gel Cleanser . I'm a skin care product junkie because my skin is so freaky. I've used Clarins sensitive skin care line for years, with some other brands thrown in-between, but my skin is not actually very dry so I think it will be nice to try something a little lighter for a change. And the price is certainly right so we'll see.

Last night was going along quite well until I got out of the shower and noticed that my vision was even stranger than usual... there were shimmering lights everywhere, growing brighter as I watched.

Hmmm... is it my eyes or my brain? Close one eye... flashing away. Close the other eye... yep still there. Must be migraine time. Nothing hurts yet, damn Sparky wants his dinner soon, guess it will be delivery tonight after all. I tend to get migraines during that wonderful PMS time, which I'm sort of in now because I've been screwing around with my birth control pills (didn't want to have headaches during my road trip or the week after with my dad having surgery). I'd take them non-stop, but the doctor bitches about it and I don't want to run out before my 12 months are up. I only go 3 or 4 days off anyway, nothing happens except the damn migraines (I seem to have reached perimenopause).

Luckily I have a large supply of Maxalt tablets, Merck will send them to you free if you don't have insurance and are poor enough, bless their black little pharmaceutical giant hearts. They cost about $16 a pill, so that's one less thing to worry about. I also get my Singulair from them, which retails around $100 a bottle, so two less things. I wish the Ambien people has a patient assistance program (can't sleep... clown will eat me...), that's my only other hovering around $100 a month prescription.

So I took a pill and lay down on the bed till dinner came (Chinese, isn't that a brilliant choice with a migraine!) watching the as the lights went from SpiroGraph frenetics to a tolerable pulsing. The Maxalt makes you kind of woozy by iteslef, and I don't usually even take one till I've been in pain for a day or so already, but the aura or halo lights really freak me out. I've had migraines for years, but this is only like the fourth time I've had the aura warning. Last time was after getting out of the shower also...

So it was sort of a forcibly calm evening for me. I do now believe the vision problem in my right eye (varying degrees of double vision and presbyopia) really is neurological (MS, optic neuritis related) and not as much actually a physical problem (from RK surgery in the 80's to correct my vision) because my vision got noticeably clearer after taking the Maxalt. Still not real good, but not a complete blur like it's been doing lately.

No headache by bedtime. I was going to go over to my parents to help my dad out with his spinal implant remote control (that was the afore-mentioned surgery, more on that to come) today but when I called at 1:30 (had to set an alarm to wake up that early) to see if the rep was still coming at 2:00, my mom told me she was already there, came early, and was almost finished. I lay there a few minutes accessing my situation, felt a pain behind my left eye and decided since I could go back to sleep for a few more hours I may as well take another Maxalt to knock out round two of the migraine.

Several groggy hours later I finally got up, and have been having another quiet evening. Actually made Sparky his spaghetti tonight (I need to go grocery shopping, dammit). I had one of my weird concotions - cranberry chicken salad from Sam's Club, with spring salad mix, strawberries, raspberries and walnuts wrapped in a flour tortilla. I've been on an "everything tastes better in a tortilla" craze lately, I even put my chinese food in there last night (I'm not a big rice fan).

It's time to take another shower before bed and now I have a slight throbbing beginning behind my right eye, hopefully I'll sleep decent tonight and wake up feeling better tomorrow. I don't really want to spend another day in woozy druggy land. I haven't been sleeping worth a damn the last few days, most likely also a hormonal problem. Can we just bring on the menopause and get this whole thing over with? I think the perimenopause thing has been going on about four or five years now. Oh well, I think I'll go test the hot shower theory again now. Vision's still pretty good, maybe I can read for a few minutes before bed too.

As a public service (and because I just finished eating some and my taste buds are still all wired), I wanted to make sure people outside of Texas knew about the weird yet incredibly addictive party snack that's been at almost every party I've gone to in the last few years, including those held at my house. If you put a plate of this out people will not be able to stop eating it, if nothing else it's a neat little experiment just to watch your friends reactions.

A company called Fischer & Wieser in a small town in the Texas Hill Country (which is the prettiest part of the state) came up with something called the Original Roasted Raspberry Chipotle Sauce in the 1990's and if you pour some over a few blocks of cream cheese, you've got heaven on a cracker. It's an odd looking party food, and people will look at you funny and ask "what the hell is it", but give them some Wheat Thins or Triscuits and once they've tried it they literally won't be able to stop eating it.

I know I can't, it can get sort of embarrassing even, especially if you drip any on your shirt. And I don't (and can't) normally eat anything that's all all spicy, but somehow this sauce and the cream cheese manage to hit all of your taste buds at once - sweet, spicy, smokey, tart and creamy all at the same time.

I had half a bottle left over after our party and just made myself a little snack with some whipped cream cheese and crackers (which I purposely bought in hopes of having leftovers) and my sinuses are nice and cleared out now.

The "can't stop eating till I look stupid" predecessor of this party snack was the Grape Jelly and Meatballs appetizer, another weird sounding but super addictive food. I really think both of these are sort of Southern recipes, so I wanted to share them. Locally I buy the raspberry sauce at Randall's / Safeway and Whole Foods (it's considered a gourmet item), but you can order it online at the companies website also. Someone told me there are knockoff brands made, but I'll pay the extra buck or two and get the good stuff, personally.

I've been on a "buying things I need" shopping spree the last couple of week alsos. Then, after I'd finished, of course, eBay demanded I pay them their $350 worth of fees for last month two weeks early (or they wouldn't let me list anything new) so that threw me for a loop. Well, crap, I had hoped to go to the Houston Postcard & Paper Show this weekend, but I guess that's out now. They're in a beautiful new convention center just a few miles from my house now. But we have our Halloween party coming up next weekend and I haven't planned the food, music or what I'm going to wear yet.

But I've been stocking up on all of my shipping supplies, ordering boxes, bubble wrap and mailers for the holiday eBay rush. And buying toner, a new Dayrunner calendar, new pretty colored file folders and a little Brother P-Touch to make nice new labels (PT-1180). (My handwriting is completely illegible) I always wanted one of those, though I think the one I got is probably too small for anything but file folders (it was less than $30 at Sam's Club, though, and came with two refill cartridges). Redoing my files is going to be one of my "leisure" activities, I actually like to sort and file things, I had even considered becoming a professional organizer once, but I think avoiding obsessive activities is probably better for my health. One of the reasons I quite my first job as a library assistant was I got all obsessed with the books, I think I checked out as many as I put away. And it drove me nuts when people would put things back in the wrong place.

And with the Halloween party coming up, Sparky gets to do his semi-annual cleaning of his bathtub, so I got new shower curtains for us both. He refers to his tub as the "Shroud of Turin" because for some reason the master bathroom gets some really heavy duty staining as compared to (my) hall bathroom. And his curtain started off as clear but is now sort of a yucky beige color. So I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond armed with the coupons they send me weekly and found a nice clear patterned one for him, but could not find my usual pretty frosted one I usually get for me. I don't see it on their site either, but it had little clear prisms that caught the light prettily. So I decided to get a black striped vinyl curtain and I think I like it even better. It looks very modern and the black looks sharp with the 1950's powder pink tile, especially with the sleek little silver roller rings I already had.

In the same trip I also got a Fossil watch and an engraved antique white gold wedding band (both bought on eBay months ago) sized at our neighborhood jewelers, who kind of hate to see me coming because I can never seem to get my watch bands just exactly how I like them. I think I may have gotten this one a bit tight, but winter's coming soon. We've had out first semi cold front (down to the 50's - ooh!), but it only lasted a few days. Then I took the $10 off coupon I'd earned to the Beauty First next door to BB&B, and they were having a "buy one get the next half off sale", so I bought even more hair care stuff, and got a Matrix shampoo, conditioner and a Chi heat styling spray for like $13 total, yippee! (Just what I need, more hair products, when I'm unhappy with my hair I change products in hope of making it look better. Lately it's been really misbehaving and curling because it's too short :-(

By then it was Sparky's dinner time so I ran by OfficeMax and used another $10 off coupon I had to get an black ink cartridge for my dying Epson printer (it has a short and turns itself on and off, which is both annoying and alarming). And I actually remembered to bring my old cartridge and got my free ream of paper too. And I also spent like $200 on postage this week, I had like 60 auctions close this weekend. So it's been a damn expensive week, I hope my sales keep up, Sparky has been bugging me to go get groceries again...

Well, damn my computer just froze as I was adding on to my want list, so I'm retyping this all again and then going to bed, someone's trying to tell me something... But on the theory that what I put into print comes true, my other big want is an electric piano. (No, I don't play, I've always wanted to learn badly) It all began when we went into Radio Shack to get something for Sparky and, being bored, I wandered over and played with an electric piano they had on display. When I was a teenager my parents gave me an electric organ, which I have no idea what happened to, but needless to say, it was uninspiring and felt and sounded like a toy. I had no idea portable pianos now sound as good as and even better than the real gigantic thing (and never need tuning!). So that started my obsession earlier this summer. And since then I've been researching and studying and even doing finger exercises. I've always been a closet piano junkie, but never got to take lessons. I did guitar instead, and never did well at it. I also have always wanted to play drums. But a guitar was more practical in my parent's opinion. And it was the 70's and guitars were "cool". But I completely sucked at playing them. I've always been more of a percussion person anyway.

So I read and researched and even went to the local music store where I got the $5000 standup sales pitch and was told that Yamaha pianos were junk, which actually made me want one more, damn old fart salesman (he was pushing Rolands). My initial choice was a Yamaha 88 key electric piano, which I've been able to play with regularly at Best Buy and Sam's while Sparky did his DVD and big screen TV shopping. It's really a gorgeous sounding thing, with weighted keys, lots of voices and bells and whistles. But I soon realized it's WAY too big for the area I want to use it in, and then began thinking perhaps a synthesizer/arranger keyboard would probably be more fun and I could hook it up to my computer (and it would fit on my desk). So I've chosen a mid-priced 61 key Yamaha synthesizer (which costs twice what the piano cost) and have been yearning after it. It's basically going to be my birthday gift to myself this year, but I don't want to wait till January. For one thing the one I picked is last year's model and is in limited supply now, this year's model is also great but it's $500 more. But with my current computer mutiny (and my promise to never open another credit account ;-) I'm trying to restrain myself from wishing out loud too much. So we'll see if my "putting it into writing" theory works, hey, it got me a car ;-)

I messed up on my dinner plans, I thought we would be eating with my parents Sunday night instead of our regular Chinese delivery, but my mother had a stomach virus. So when my husband asked what was for dinner tonight, I blanked out and gave him my backup emergency dinner plan - spaghetti and meatballs. Which I don't eat, but it makes him very happy.

So he got out the big 8 quart pot, filled it half full of water, started the burner, and even got the meatballs out of the freezer. Then it hits me - we don't have any pasta sauce, I used the last jar a few days ago. And I don't have any spaghetti... crap. I've got meatballs and water, not good enough.

So off we went to IHOP, where the waitresses have our orders memorized. We each took our own cars, I'll shop for real groceries after dinner. We also have our favorite boothes, which we always scope out when we walk in to see which one will be the quietest. Booth to the right - screaming kid. On the left - more screaming kids. The smoking area is quiet, but the sun is blasting in the windows, and, well, it's the smoking area. OK, to the right but back near the kitchen, it shouldn't be that bad two boothes away...

Jesus H Christ! We had completely deaf parents on both sides of us and several toddlers competing to see which one could scream the loudest. My back was to them, which actually made me sort of nervous but was probably a good idea because I have trouble "pretending to ignore" ear-splitting children. Besides being annoying, they cause me actual physical pain, I visually wince when they make that "Memorex" noise (that can shatter crystal?). Finally one of the families finished eating, then went out into the lobby where their kids just went frigging bonkers screaming and running around, bouncing off the windows. Whee!!! more sugar!! After about 3 or 4 more minutes of daycare run amok they went out and got in their minivan and drove away.

OK, just one kid left, maybe he'll be quieter while I finish my french toast and bacon. No, he actually got louder, yelling repeatedely at his mother and (I think) older sister, "Read me a story! Read ME A STORY!!". Then he somehow got out of the booth and starts running up and down the aisle, spewing toddler germs into the air hacking and coughing like an old man. On about his third run-by our booth I finally said "GO AWAY!" which he actually did. I don't care if anyone thought I was rude, I say:

As we were finishing up our dinner, Damien the demon toddler and his family left, and my husband looked at me and said "I'm so glad you didn't want kids!'. Likewise, in my 20's all I found were men who wanted "big families". I'm missing that mommy gene, always knew it, I never even did babysitting. I'm totally clueless and quite content to remain that way.

So off I went, in my nice clean, perfect car and bought hundreds of bucks worth of groceries for me, my husband and my cat (who was crying at the door when I got home).

Well I just couldn't stand it anymore last night and colored my hair black again. It was a weird combination of black ends, red in the middle, and my own yucky brown (and gray) on top. I did use a bit of restraint, though, and used a semi-permanent color for a change. It was also so long it was starting to do the curling up thing all over, since it's layered, and I also broke down and made an appointment to get it cut. I went in today and got it done, though I think both the stylist and I got carried away and cut it actually TOO short.

I had brought in a photo from the last cut, which was damn near perfect IMHO, and he tried to work from that but for some reason he just couldn't seem to get it. I'd been good and left my bangs alone, so I thought he should be able to just go in and trim the layers and voila - but apparently not. My husband freaked out when I got home, he said I looked like David Cassidy (I could do worse, he had gorgeous hair), and now he's afraid I'm going to want to keep it short short from now on. No way with the winter coming, my neck and ears get way too cold. But it is really fabulous to be able to wash & dry it so quickly without having to detangle the whole mess. And it's so damn hot here in the summer, I never wear it down when the temperature is over 80 degrees (i.e. March through October).

The last cut grew out so nicely I figured I'd get it done again before fall, my hair is thin but it grows really fast, so by Halloween I should be back to shoulder length at least. The last haircut had a bit more swing and body to it, I'm afraid this one really is a little too severe. But Sparky doesn't understand what it's like to go through your entire life with long, tangly, wavy hair that the best you can do with it is keep it pulled back. At least with the shorter hair I can walk outside for five minutes without my hair going berserk in the least little wind [sigh].

But I'm much happier with the color, I haven't used semi-perm in ages, I might start again because it's so much easier and quicker than permanent color (and it doesn't reek). Plus if I can get the exact color I want for $5 or $6 I'd rather keep doing that than plunk down $55 for something I'm not happy with. The damn haircut is $45 plus tip by itself. And when I got home today I checked the account I charged it on and they had charged me $54 even though the receipt had $45 on it. I'm guessing he gave himself a 20% tip. The "rules" say you should tip about 15%, but I handed him $5 in cash which seemed adequate for 45 minutes of his time since all he did was trim, I didn't even need a shampoo. And he waited on several other people while I sat there with wet hair twiddling my thumbs. I had meant to stop at an ATM on the way so I could pay the whole thing in cash, but I got caught in the school zone traffic jams. But I've called the salon and left a message and we'll see if the $9 pops back up on my account tomorrow. If it doesn't, I'm going to call the owner, I've spoken with her several times and she seems pretty down to earth.

(Pictures to come, I may wait till I shampoo it again first, it's very flat now and a little too boyish even for me)

I often am not sure who I am. Online and in person. I've been married twice but never changed my name though the Social Security department so legally I've only actually had one name. But I've had bank accounts with three (actually four counting my business checking) names, driver's licenses with two names, my health insurance is in my married name, but my homeowner's and car insurance are in my maiden name still. So when people ask me my name, I'm sometimes not sure how to respond.

I also have a long first name and go by the diminutive, though I have always called my brother by his full name. Just to add to the confusion, my father goes by his middle name, which is also my brother's middle name. My husband also goes by his middle name. But with banks and ATM cards, etc., I use my full name. I don't really like my full name, but my middle name is very plain so I don't use it. Though when I was in trouble my dad would call me by both names (gulp). Or when I wasn't, he would often use the diminutive of BOTH names.

I have a confusing last name but I'm hesitant to give it up. It only has two syllables but has a lot of consonants in it, including an X, which for some reason blows people's minds and renders them unable to pronounce it without making it into three syllables. My husband's name only has one syllable, which seems easy enough, but it's plural and people tend to drop the S at the end. You should see the odd assortment of free labels I get in the mail. One actually had my husband's first name and my last name, which I still haven't figured out.

My husband has begun leaning on to me to legally change my name to his, even though I do go by it in most situations. I'm hesitant to lose it, though. I'm also not really fond of hyphenating it, which is what I did last time on my driver's license. It would be confusing for things like my medical and pharmacy records, which have been switched over to my married name in the last few years since we no longer have insurance through my last job. The doctor's office has enough trouble locating my records without giving them a different letter to file them under.

I tried to change my name this time on my TDL and the new rule is you have to go through Social Security first now. I think when I do go into the SS office, I'm just going to have them add my married name to the end of my name, with no hyphen, but I want to keep my maiden name in the fray also.

I began working at my last away from home job when I was married to my first husband. I had also worked at the company before I was married, as had my brother, and my dad had recently retired after 20+ years as an executive, so our family name was well known and loved. Everyone that had been there for more than about five years knew my dad, he was one of the good people, who had been there in the days before the mergers, layoffs and imported out-of-state executives. The tenured folks all knew him as a nice man who was also very fair and competent. Plus his name was on their checks for years. Since I had never changed my name through Social Security, I had to go to work under my maiden name. And that was fine with me, actually. Then I divorced, and transferred back to Houston and went to work at the corporate offices where my dad had worked and everyone knew me. And my husband waited seven years to propose, so I had almost 15 years of working under the same name and didn't really think about changing it while I was there.

I'm not having kids, and it's unlikely my brother will be either, so we're literally the last of our family name. It's very obscure nationwide, and I'm told it was Americanized upon immigrating from Ireland, and from what I've researched, it's also scarce overseas. The story is the boat sank on the way over, so many of our ancestors didn't make it across the ocean. My brother and I are adopted, but still, I used to actually have my name on my license plate out of pride. (Wouldn't do it now, though)

My husband is also the last of his line. His sister had two daughters, but they go by their father's name. My husband's middle name is actually his mother's family's last name, just to add to the confusion. But that line has continued on.

I have a business DBA. And for even more confusion, on the internet I really lose track of who I am. I have mine and my husband's names for eBay, several domains that I receive mail through, Yahoo and Gmail accounts (which I rarely check), and I'm alternately known to some of my online-only friends by my real name, and Morticia and sometimes Tish. All of my domain emails come through my cable modem account (which is in my maiden name as is the cable bill) and into one giant inbox. I get hundreds of emails a day, which are mostly spam. I get eBay emails for me and my husband (he buys things, I buy and sell), I get emails for each of my domains, emails for his business (I do all of the email and computer work for both of us). I have a home address and a PO Box. Our phone number is actually a forwarded number because my husband wanted to hold on to his old number when we moved. And we have a fax number. And a cell phone...

So if you ask me what my name is and I give you a blank stare for a moment, you'll know the reason why.

OK, I know I've been watching a lot of makeover type shows lately, but most of them involved home design. Now I've become obsessed with TLC's What Not To Wear, the US version, which is an hour long and is on almost every day it seems. I'm honestly not a trend or fashion freak, I've just always had a really hard time personally finding clothing that fit and looked good on me (and was comfortable) and this show is fascinating to me. Even when I was 98 pounds I had trouble finding jeans that fit properly, and had large shoulders, which, at 5'1", means sleeves and hemlines never fit correctly. I have a half dozen pair of pants hanging on my closet door right now that need hemming. I also worked in the retail & fashion world for years and handled so much clothing that I know too much about it now to be able to buy really bad clothes. I've been trying really hard to upgrade my own wardrobe to have clothing that actually fits me and isn't too baggy, at least in public ;-)

I missed most of the Memorial Day marathon, only caught a couple, poor Niya, a young urban black woman who bought clothes based on their original price tag and percentage off as opposed to whether they fit her. Or covered her. She had to lay on the bed to zip up her favorite skirt which was about 4 sizes too small and made her look six months pregnant. Then they gave her $5000 and sent her off alone in NYC and told her not to buy anything that would make her look like a hoochie mama when that's all she'd been wearing and her idea of a good outfit was based on the number of honks she got at the gas station.

I always feel sorry for them on day one, especially the women who don't shop on a regular basis, they're so overwhelmed and get very discouraged. Shopping is hard, I'm sorry, it really is. I love clothes but I hate shopping. Especially shoes and pants, too much stress. My arms will hurt for days afterwards from carrying stacks of clothes in various sizes because the fashion industry's sizing standards are so varied. And I want to try on as many things as possible at once to get it over with and be able to try and keep straight in my head what looks good and what doesn't. And I would not want to start my wardrobe over from scratch, even for $5000. I've finally gotten it down to things I either really, really like or just can't bear to part with for sentimental reasons (though often never wear, they're in storage). Even if they have good opinions, I don't like going by other people's rules for how to look. I wouldn't want a home makeover, either, unless my house was a total dump and I didn't own anything nice but it's fun to watch.

I went and looked at the website to get a link for this article and am really hooked now, besides having photos and info on all the shows, they have listings of what they bought, where, makeup and hair colors used, how much they spent... it's an OCD nightmare, yikes! But they also have the listing schedule and who is featured in which show, which will actually make my life a little easier because I can skip the shows I've seen, I've been having trouble trying to figure out their oddball weekly schedule. Unfortunately it's often on at midnight here which is about the time Sparky wants the big TV back, and he complains enough about having to watch Clean Sweep every week. I like that show even though everyone is a little too perky, though it seems kind of a cheat because they make the people throw like three fourths of their stuff out and then it's pretty easy to get the remainder back into their house... HGTV's Mission Organization is more challenging, IHMO. I'm very bad about following shows, especially one hour ones, usually Sparky timesets all of our one hour shows so we can watch them back without commercials, because about the only time I usually sit and watch TV is during dinner.

I'm always looking for women who have the same problems I do, I don't feel too sorry for the girls with cute little bodies and just bad taste. They had one girl on during the marathon with a Playboy figure (Irene) who was wearing basically stripper clothes to work (and her husband was complaining, go figure!), but all she needed was more coverage and better quality clothing, she would look good in anything.

I did sympathize with Alisha, who wore her husband's clothes, no makeup and thought skirts were fussy. I've always been a tomboy too, though I've learned that wearing boys tops really is not a good look for me. I still don't like skirts, though. It's not a modesty issue, skirts just aren't practical or comfortable in my opinion. Don't like pantyhose, if I don't wear pantyhose everything sticks together (it's hot in Houston!), and I'm not good at wearing shoes without socks (narrow heels, I just end up with blisters). Alisha is a taller girl, though, and not too busy so she could wear pretty things like empire waists, which I can't wear.

Looks like I missed the episode with Misti the Goth girl, I hope it comes around again. She's short like I am, though the photos of her wardrobe look awfully colorful for a Goth. I'm not real fond of the clothes they put her in, though she's ten years younger than me and they do look cute on her.

The 6/16 episode with Mary looks promising, she looks like she's going to be challenging and I like the looks they picked for her. She also looks to be short and busty without being too thin, so perhaps I'll learn something. I'd invest more money in clothing, but I have trouble justifying it when I feel like I still need to lose another 20 pounds. My big jump lately has been finding some jeans that fit (low waist jeans don't cut off my circulation, yippee!), and I actually own several nice belts and have worn them without going into a panic. I don't like anything tight around my waist, but since the pants hit lower the belts aren't too bad. (I'm very short, straight-waisted, all the weight loss in the world won't change that).

One of the women, I think it may have been Kimberly H., struck a note with me by saying that she had always worn her hair long to be more feminine and remembered being referred to as a boy by someone when she was young. That happened to me in about 6th grade, wearing jeans, a tee and a windbreaker I was looking at comic books when a clerk said "Little boy, don't read the comics". Now, everyone had long hair in the 70's, and I was a tomboy, but still... I think that may have played into my fear of cutting my hair for so many years.

I still don't like the pointy shoes and clutch purses they like to assign everyone, they look cute but are impractical. But I've seen myself in a lot of these women, long baggy shirts that just make me look bigger, pants that are too tapered, too short, big chunky shoes (no stilettos for me, sorry!), long scraggly hair (I cut it myself for years), no makeup, too much black... No wonder I don't like to be photographed, thank God I at least have cheekbones and good skin. More later, I'm going to try and beat Sparky to the bedroom so I can read a bit before trying to sleep.

Homework: A Household Meme current questions. I told myself I wasn’t going to do this one, because I don’t really consider myself a housewife, but the questions are too fun to pass up. And I’m am wife who works from home, so...

I went back and did some of the archived questions also (click Read More below), there are some really interesting ones.

HomeWork: Week 18

The phone rings. You've got unexpected company coming over in an hour! Look around your house. Is it company-ready? What can you do in an hour to get it up to the level that would make you comfortable?

Make the bed, straighten my office a bit (it’s in the living room), swish out the toilet, put new hand towels & toilet paper out, close the shower curtain, stuff anything into the closets that looks junky sitting out... Try and wipe some of the baby powder out of the hall bathroom, the stuff goes everywhere :-( Make sure I have a few cokes in the fridge. Our house isn’t usually dirty, mostly cluttered, working at home I often have a lot of “things” laying around in progress. Hopefully there won’t be any dishes in the sink...

HomeWork: Week 15

What is your favorite thing about your current house/apartment/domicile of other sort? What's your least favorite?

Probably the layout, for both questions. Our house has really good flow between the rooms, but my office has no privacy because it’s the living room. Someday I’ll figure out how to add pocket doors or something...

Also the wood floors are pretty, one of the reasons we bought the house, but they are also hard and get very dusty. We upgraded to storm windows a few years ago and that has been great, it makes the house nice and quiet and temperature controlled :-)

HomeWork: Week 13

Do you own any tried-and-true housework manuals or books? Have you belonged to any housekeeping or organizational groups, such as FlyLady? How have these worked for you?

I have Too Busy to Clean? which has good tips, and Home Comforts - the Art and Science of Keeping House which is a massive reference tome. (Ha! I just saw your mention at the beginning of the archives, I’m no Martha Stewart either ;-) I also have several organizing and closet books (because I’m obsessed with organizing). I have Julie Morgenstern’s Organizing From the Inside Out and get her newsletter, which is fun.

I’m also addicted to the Home & Garden Channel, and always try to catch Mission Organization and TLC’s Clean Sweep. I also have a book called Spiritual Housecleaning, but I haven’t read it yet. The single most useful household book I have is my old Fannie Farmer Cookbook my grandmother gave me when I moved into my first apartment. When you forget how long to boil eggs or bake potatoes, it's nice to have around.

HomeWork: Week 12

When was the last time you moved house? How long did it take you to pack? How long did it take you to get out of the boxes? Does your unpacking method more closely resemble the "get it all done as quickly as possible" style or the "do it slowly, do it right" one?

We just celebrated our sixth anniversary in our house, and we lived in our last house for seven years. Before I met my husband I used to move a lot and it was all very haphazard. My first big move out of town broke me of that, though, when it took me over a week to find my bath towels!

When we bought our house we had to wait an agonizing three months to move, so we packed and labeled everything to death. And it still took us 12 hours with two professional movers to get everything from one house to the other (just a few miles apart). We had a ton of stuff, and actually got rid of a lot of things at a pre-moving garage sale. We unpacked most of the boxes (lots went straight into storage) within a few days of moving, because it drives both of us nuts to be tripping over boxes. The only unfortunate thing is that the people we bought the house from were literally moving out when we were moving in, so we couldn’t bring in anything over in advance or do anything like paint the walls.

HomeWork: Week 8

How often do you grocery shop? Do you have a usual day or time for shopping? What's your budget for a typical grocery run?

I try for just once a week, but I go to the neighborhood supermarket and Sam’s Club. And, when I get a chance, Whole Foods. I don’t have a set day, it’s usually when we start running out of the important things, like my husband’s Mountain Dew, toilet paper, bottled water. I average about $200 bucks for the weekly basic groceries, but we don’t eat out a lot and I do buy some convenience foods, mostly from Sam’s. I like to go in the evenings, but a lot of times the stock is lacking, especially in fresh things like bagged salads.

HomeWork: Week 4

When you were a child, did you keep your room neat, or was it a disaster area? Why do you think that was?

It was organized but very cluttered. Lots of books, lots of Barbie stuff, many horses... I’ve always been a book fiend, that’s usually the majority of my clutter, books and papers. I hated having to make the bed and little things like that, though. Nothing nasty laying around, though, like old food (we have huge roaches in Houston!). My parents house was fairly spartan, though, so in comparison I was pretty messy.

HomeWork: Week 3

If you live with other people, how do you divide the housework? If you live alone, what chores would you like to give away, and which would you keep?

My husband is obsessed with vacuuming, so I let him. He’s also good at doing the dishes, but I don’t mind putting them up. I HATE dusting, it kills my allergies for days afterwards. I also don’t like cleaning the bathroom, though I’m pretty good about swishing the toilet out regularly. I’m rotten at sweeping too, we have lots of wood floors, hubby usually ends up doing that.

Week One

How often do you...
...clean your bedroom? It’s SOO dusty, very neat, but dusty. We need to have a pro in there to do the curtains so we don’t ruin them (that’s our excuse, at least)
...wash your sheets? Not often enough, every few weeks maybe. I’ll do the pillowcases every week or so, though.
...mop the kitchen floor? Usually when something breaks and we have to pick up bits of glass anyway.
...vacuum? Hubby vacuums several times a week, when we had an indoor dog he would do it almost daily. I think it’s therapeutic to him...
...dust? When it gets so bad we can’t stand it, or when we’re going to have major guests over. We have over 20 bookcases in the house and every one of them is full (sigh).
...clean the toilets? I do mine regularly, whenever anything starts appearing that shouldn’t. My husband does his every few months when it gets downright scary. His bathroom seems to have less air circulation of something, luckily it’s not the guest bathroom.
...scrub the tub? Mine stays pretty clean, except for a bit of mildew around the caulk. His looks like the shroud of turin and is a major undertaking that he only does about 3 or 4 times a year.

OK, after almost a week with my new short hair I've finally snapped to the two things that really made it look look so gorgeous after my stylist worked on it. The First is the styling spray he used, which is Smooth and Seal by Straight Sexy Hair, which is really an incredible product. It does leave some of that mega hairspray smell behind (and in the bathroom!), though, which is not good for me all the time because I do my hair before bed usually. But it's fabulous stuff, really, adds a lot of shine.

I also realized that the two hot irons I had were not going to work real well with my new hair. Or my hairbrushes, I had to get new smaller ones. I have a Conair round iron that is usable, but kind of rough on my hair and dangerously hot. And I had bought a fabulous Babyliss straightening iron about a year ago, but it's over 2 inches wide and just won't work. But I kept thinking I'm missing something and after some research figured out what it is. I didn't have my glasses on while my hair was being styled (and wasn't allowed to look), but when I mentioned I had a straightening iron my stylist asked what kind of Chi I had, which I thought I heard wrong, but then he mentioned it a few more times. So after some Google searches, I found out he meant a Farouk Chi flat iron, which is top of the line professional and very pricey. It also has ceramic plates and lots of safety features that let him get right up to my scalp without burning me like my Conair does.

But I'm determined to recreate the super straight, shiny hair I had a week ago, so I looked around on eBay and found them for sale for about 2/3 of the retail price. After more reading up, I decided to get the new Turbo version, which has variable heat settings and some added features the older version (there are many of the older one on eBay) didn't have. So I bought a one inch iron and will hopefully get it in the mail this week, the seller was one of two salons that had them for Buy It Now, and both promised same day Priority shipping. Some of the big discount type sellers were kind of vague in their shipping, and also sold things like bed linens so I decided to stick with a specialized seller. I'm a big believer in getting the best you can afford for things you use all the time and rely on so we'll see how this does.

I think I'm going to have to play with my haircolor, though, the red is looking much too coppery, which I didn't want, I think I'm going to have to add some blue based dark red to it. I should just dye it black again, but then I'd be back where I started. But I'm going to wait till the semi-perm dark brown washes out a bit more. It's really nice having someone else do the dirty work on my hair color, but I think I may invest more money in keeping my cut in good shape and do my color myself.

I feel somewhat caught up (and slightly broke) after taking care of business the last few days. I try really hard whenever I get a bit ahead financially to actually buy things I need and that are on my wishlist instead of things I didn't know I needed. It seems like when I does have money, I can't think of anything I really need, but as soon as I get low it's really obvious.

I had bought a second book on Body Rolling, which required a different sized ball than the ones I already have (they sell them online, of course), but the exercises are completely different in the first book I got. So I ended up buying two of the balls from Yamuna Zake's website, I saw some on eBay that were similar and cheaper, but didn't really want to chance it. Had to buy a damn pump too, but I guess it's a good thing to have. The Miracle Balls I've been using have really been wonderful, great for both my fibromyalgia and the muscle tension from my MS. And they don't cost $60 an hour ;-) Back when I was rich (ha!) from working two jobs, I would try and go to a massage therapist every two weeks or so, but I'm one of those people that is so tight that it never really did a lot of good. But I'm having a lot of fun and getting good results from rolling, and who wouldn't like an exercise you do primarily laying down.

What else... got semi caught up on meds and groceries today, at least the refrigerator is full and Sparky has lunchmeat, bread, Diet Mountain Dew and bottled water, so he's happy. Sam's Club had more of my favorite Tropical Chicken Salad, they haven't discontinued it yet as I feared, awesome stuff to snack on! Plus an easy dinner for tonight, cold shrimp and potato salad, an all-time favorite with both of us. And a case of canned green beans, which should hold us for awhile (I'm a lazy cook, BTW).

Also ran into Old Navy today to try and find a belt for my poor jeans that won't stay up (maybe I really am losing weight, but I think it's more of a Lycra issue), and ended up also buying half a dozen of their Perfect Fit tees (two for $15!) which are actually sized big enough that adults can wear them and they are thick enough that they don't look like underwear. I even got some that weren't black. I wanted some Navy ones but they were sold out of anything above Medium, just looked online and they're out too, dammit. With the weather so hot I'm already tired of walking around in long oversized tees. I also got a couple more pair of their Just Lounge Capris (only the long ones are on their website but these look like just like the Capris), which hit me at the ankle and are great around the house (also on sale, yippee!). I used to buy their Yoga Capris but they're making them shorter now. They're really comfy for around the house, but they wear out pretty quickly, but for $15 what the heck. Did get belt, I wanted a leather one, but found a black and white brocade fabric belt that is very adjustable, plus comfy and attractive and got it.

And I paid Sparky back for the last few weeks of utility bills, and bought more mailing supplies. And... I bought a new curling iron (see next entry for info!).

Well, I finally got around to going back to get my hair cut and the color redone (it only took me 4 1/2 months, that's actually pretty good for me, last time it was like five years). I knew I wanted some red in it and I knew I wanted it shorter for the summer. I haven't had it cut above shoulder level since I was in elementary school (first grade?) and got sort of a pixie cut, which was actually one of my favorite haircuts of all time.

I've made it all sorts of different colors before, usually on my own (except for my purple cellophane phase, a pro had to do that). I showed my stylist a picture of a girl who (to me at least) looked like she had really dark auburn hair, and he went and mixed the color and then let it set, but I could see in the mirror it was looking really red. Which wouldn't be a problem, but I wanted a dark red because the bottom half of my head is still pretty much black. So he rinsed it off, and I ran to the bathroom before returning to the station, and saw in the mirror it was REALLY red, my natural color had just soaked it up (gulp).

When I sat back down, I told him I was afraid it was a little too punky (which is not necessarily a bad thing) but the dark bottoms and lighter roots made my fine hair look too thin. He cut it some, dried it, we went and walked around with a mirror outside, and yep, it was too bright and too light.

So he trots out more color, semi-perm this time, a dark brown with a bit of red, and I sit under the dryer while it penetrates and second try, much darker. Then I let him go to town on trimming, my hair grows fast so by August I know it will be back where I started again, and he trimmed it almost into a long shag. I wasn't allowed to look while he styled it, he sprayed a styling aid on it to straighten it first and then he went to work with the straightening iron (I actually happen to own one myself, yea me!) and when he finished it was super straight and shiny.

I was naughty and made him trim it back from my face some, even though it looked really pretty all feathered, I wish I could have taken a photo before he trimmed it back but I knew it would have bugged me. It's so hot here in the summer I really wanted to get as much hair away from my face as possible.

Then I spent more money shopping in their candy store full of hair products, got the spray he used, and another bottle of my favorite MOP conditioner (really good for fine hair), and a heavy duty weekly-type conditioner just because I think I need one. I've been using their MOP products since my last haircut in January and he said my hair looked like it was in really good condition today, last time the stylist told me it was very dry, so apparently organic really is better than my normal Pantene stuff ;-) I have a basket full of hair care products under my sink, probably because I'm never happy with it. I really like the last two cuts I've gotten from Pope Hair, though, which is amazing because I've spent up to $75 for a cut at some of the trendy salons here in town (with pictures of the local new people up on the wall even, ooh...) and been disappointed (especially after I washed all the gunk they put in it out). If you can't get a decent cut for that much money it's kind of depressing. I'm not big on styling products, I don't like hairspray and gel (and I wash my hair at night), all I want in life is a decent cut to tame my poor fine, frizzy hair. I am trying to make myself use something to keep the frizz down on a regular basis because I live in windy humid town.

So here are the new pics, for some reason Sparky can't take a picture of me that doesn't look like a police lineup shot, which is partly my fault for having no makeup on, but I really do like the all red pic of me and Phoebe (he had his thumb over the flash).

I can't make it to Washington, but for anyone who can, the March for Women's Lives is this weekend. I hope it accomplishes something, give them a few bucks if you can afford it, I did ;-)

Had to make a new category, I look at a lot of blogs but don't have as much time to read them all as I wish, but better to be a good blogger and pass them on than just store them in my ever-growing bookmark list. I'm afraid I'm still stuck in the "website" mindset when it comes to links, etc., even though I've had this blog up for over a year.

Flipping around lately I've found some really great ones. SistersTalk is a black lesbian woman's astute observations on the insanity going on politically in our screwed up world.

A View From A Broad is the LiveJournal of a female soldier in Iraq who is also a fan girl, which makes for some interesting reading. I scared the crap out of my parents in high school by talking to Army recruiters (who called the house repeatedely), but decided any job that makes you get up at the crack of dawn daily would not work for me. In high school I had no clue what to do for a career, I graduated in 1980. Signed on for Computer Science like most of my friends, but after failing Calculus three times decided I really hated the sciences, and, at the time, really sucked at computers. (We're talking punch cards here, folks).

Baghdad Burning is another perspective on the war from an Iraqi woman's point of view. Eerie and enlightening, like reading Anne Frank's journal online in real time.

Feministe is a mom who defends abortion rights in a common sense & logical fashion. (I'm all for logic & common sense, not nearly enough of it out there to go around these days)

I don't really understand I Am Eating My Husband's Soul, sort of an ongoing fantasy scenario thing, but it's damned funny and the writing is first rate.

WitchyBitch has a pagan point of view and a great name ;-)

Finally made it to Sam's Club to pick up my $100+ worth of prescriptions that I dropped off earlier this week. I had told my doctor I wanted to up my Prozac from 30 mg a day (3x10) for 40mg (2x20) and she wrote the prescription out for one 40mg pill a day, yikes... I thought the pharmacy had shorted me when I checked the receipt because it was only $11 and for 30 pills, but no, apparently 30 40mg pills are less than half the price of 90 10mg pills, huh?? Well, OK, I figured they would cost more but who's complaining?

Got a new birth control pill too, decided to switch to LoEstrin from LoOvral (which I've been on for like 15 years) after seeing the following on the Family Practice Notebook's website (which is fabulous, BTW):

Indications to switch to Loestrin 1.5/30

1. Breast Tenderness (lower Estrogen)
2. Headaches (lower Estrogen)
3. Moodiness (less Estrogen or more Progestin)
4. Weight gain (less Estrogen or more Progestin)
5. Libido decreased (more androgen)

OK... I can do without all of the above and it said LoEstrin is better for women over 40 so I'll let you know how it works out, I'm starting it up tomorrow night and am going to try skipping my period for the three months on/one week off deal since I'm not having a period anyway, just lots of migraines in my week off.

We went out to eat tonight and I blew my high protein diet at IHOP with french toast, but at least I had eggs and bacon with it. I couldn't finish the french toast, though, which is a good sign. I was going to have an omelette but my eyes were itching already (I'm allergic to eggs) and I want to see Kill Bill Vol. 2 tonight so I figured I'd better not chance more than one scrambled egg. I've lost about four pounds so far since I've dropped my carbs again, though, so I'm trying to behave.

My mom made it back to the doctor for another x-ray and apparently her hip is not fractured just bruised badly, thank goodness. We went to Luby's last night and got take out and brought it to them so she could have something other than Chinese delivery food, my dad's not the greatest cook and he can't stand for very long and now she can't either. I feel like I'm not doing enough for them, but I couldn't think of anything else to do, if I was a good cook I would have brought her a casserole... She says it feels a little better so maybe it's starting to heal.

Annoying item for tonight... I was watching Oprah today and saw Chris Rock and Jon Stewart and they also had SNL's Maya Rudolph on, who is Minnie Riperton's daughter, which would explain why she's so good at playing black ladies. So after the show, Sparky whips out one of his 70's Number One Hits albums and starts playing "Lovin' You" over and over. Sort of a frightening thing to have stuck in your head, especially at bedtime. Oprah mentioned that she was "the late" Minnie Riperton, which makes the song both annoying and sad at the same time if you know the lyrics, which, unfortunately, I do. Her fansite said she died of breast cancer in 1979, at 32 years old, even sadder, I did not know that. Apparently she was a pioneer in breast cancer awareness, damn, where was I in 1979? Oh, yeah, in high school, unaware and self-absorbed. I probably heard about it at the time but my memory is shot now. But Maya does look like her and certainly has her pipes ;-) The site says "Lovin' You" started out as a lullaby for Maya, I was thinking earlier today, weirdly enough, that perhaps it devoted to her husband or children, but that chorus might be a little alarming. [She says as the piercing sound echoes through her brain, over and over...]

On a more serious note, I'm afraid I've gotten a real wake-up call medically. I've always had bad health. so I'm sort of just used to it and accept it, but after my physical last week I discovered:

I now have some uterine fibroids for the first time (ultrasound next week) I've gained weight since last year's physical :-( And my cholesterol has exceeded 300 (gulp)

I've had a tendency to have high cholesterol for about 15 years now, but it usually never goes over about 260 and my HDL (good) is usually pretty high. I'm adopted so new health problems are always a surprise to me, my mom has been battling high cholesterol and hypertension for most of her adult life and I don't want to have to do the same thing. The only time I've ever been able to get my number below 200 was when I had been seriously following the Atkins diet for several months. I'm supposed to still be on it, but I've fallen way off the wagon the last six months or so, eating way too much bread and sugar. I was on a low fat diet for years and my cholesterol kept going up, so I'm going to have to try the low carb route again. Apparently I'm insulin resistant. My husband is proportionately as or more overweight than I am, and his reading is 169. He's lucky to have great genetics. At least my blood pressure is still lower than normal.

Having MS, it's hard for me to exercise regularly, actually it was hard before also, I've never had any aerobic endurance at all. The only thing I've found I'm good at, like and work well for me is anaerobic exercise, i.e. weightlifting. I've always wanted my own big multi-station home gym, and would have one right now if it were up to me, but Sparky is maniacally opposed to it. When I got my results in the mail today, though, I told him I've got to do something and soon. So he at least agreed to bring my weight bench back in from the nasty outside storage room he stashed it in against my will, and to let me bring some of my free weights back into the house. Now all I have to do is actually use them.

I've been promising myself I'm going to make a serious try at doing yoga regularly also, I've got enough videos to open my own studio. We have a 24 hour gym a few miles away from us, but the damned thing is booked solid every time I've ever driven by it, even in the middle of the night. Years ago we hopefully bought a Health Rider, which I think I used a dozen times and it sits in our garage taking up space and reminding me daily what a failure I am and Sparky of the $700 bucks he spent on it. Hmm, I wonder if he'd let me bring it back in the house...

The fibroids are sort of scary, I had a lot of female problems in my 20's and have always been much more worried about getting cancer down there than up top. I did a lot of research on the internet and found some great sites that made me feel a little better about having them. But now whenever my abdomen hurts, I know why and it really bugs me. When the doctor was examining me I felt them, they hurt like hell! Fortunately I'm not planning on having children, but I still don't want to start having problems. I've been on birth control pills for 21 years now, and just had her change me to new ones (Loestrin, which I start next week) that are supposed to be better for 40+ year olds, because I seriously believe I'm well into perimenopause now, I feel like crap when I'm off my BC pills. But I don't smoke so I'm going to keep taking them as long as I can. When I'm on them I have hardly any period to speak of, and the last few months I haven't had any at all, which is fine with me.

For info on uterine fibroids check out:
Sex, Lies and Uterine Fibroids (awesome site!)
National Uterine Fibroids Foundation
Medline's Page on Uterine Fibroids

Important stuff, go to Million4Roe this weekend to see what you can do about the urgent abortion rights crisis. We're only one vote away from losing our rights. The Never Go Back fund is matching donations until 8 pm this Saturday night so please check it out right away.

More peeves, I'm in a peevy mood today...

I've been trying to move a bunch of my auction images to the new storage site and eBay has been driving me fricking insane all night. They have a bug, which is only getting worse, where they make you login over and over again instead of once as it's supposed to be, and I'd get halfway through updating an auction and it would tell me I'm not the seller and make me login again. Eventually it just completely stalled out and I gave up. I don't even think I'm halfway through one store (with 200+ images) and I still have my main store to work on. I was trying to get them all done before the end of the month so I could get accurate traffic stats for March without the eBay hits.

Even though I've stopped eating/taking everything I can think of that would make me break out in hives I'm still getting the damned things. I look like I had a fight with a rose bush, and my eyes are itching and tearing. Plus the mosquitoes seem to have awoken from their hibernation and I'm one of those people they seek out. They never bite Sparky, they've been after me my whole life, maybe it's my blood type, I dunno.

Never did start my period (sometimes I don't, I'd much rather it be that way than the problems most women my age have, of too much), restarted by BC pills and some of the hot flashes have abated, though I spent the whole morning tossing and turning.

My glasses are REALLY bothering me big time. I actually shilled out big bucks to get some prescription reading and distance ones made, and the optometrist made the reading ones way too strong and put an astigmatism correction on the left eye on both pairs and it makes me dizzy to wear the damned things. He said give it a month and try it, but I don't think I'm going to be able to get used to either pair, and am going to have to have the left lenses remade. My non-prescription reading glasses are getting old and seem to constantly be dirty, which is giving me little panic attacks. I was born with rotten vision, but when I was like 18 I got contact lenses and wore them for about 8 years or so until I got RK. Then everything (except my night vision) was great until a few years ago when basically a combination of the RK, my MS, and age started making my vision just go to hell. And I'm told I can't wear soft contacts again, perhaps special (expensive) hard ones. but anyway, I hate wearing glasses again, even though they're not half an inch thick anymore. It appears like I'm looking through a tunnel and it makes me feel very vulnerable and helpless, which is not a feeling I'm used to...

And don't even get me started on Ralph Nader. The Democratic debates were fun tonight, I noticed Kerry and Edwards were making nice references to each other and kind of shying away from Al and Dennis, who, having nothing to lose, were going all out. I'm still getting Dean emails, I still have a Dean sticker in my car window, his camp is working on some sort of continuing project, but I'm not really sure what.

Damn the heater came on again, got to go turn the temperature down to 69, I'm not looking forward to sweating in the shower before bed (yuck). I'm actually looking forward to being able to have the AC on again.

What's bugging me right now...

Broke my right thumbnail by smacking it into the towel rack earlier this week, I'm really freaky about fingernail stuff. It's amazing what you CAN'T do with no right thumbnail to speak of...

Phoebe threw up in my desk chair the other day so like an idiot I sprayed Febreze in it to get the smell out. My question now is, how do I get the Febreze smell out? I'm really sensitive to smells and it smells like a fabric softener sheet and is really making me queasy. Plus it gets on my clothes since I'm sitting on it. Bleccchh...

As previously mentioned, I've had the same dull headache (only interrupted by a few short piercing migraines) for several weeks straight now. I was blaming it on the weather, but it hasn't rained much this week, so I dunno. I'm afraid I'm getting addicted to codeine because of it. My new pharmacist filled my normal prescription with 100 pills instead of 30 because the resident who wrote my prescription out as "enough for 30 days", which I'm not complaining about, but it's a little too tempting.

Been literally working my ass off on eBay with lots of sales with what seem to be proportionately little profits for the amount of labor involved. Aso eBay raised their listing fees this month which doesn't help, and I've been using gallery pics on almost every auction which adds up quickly. It's nearly impossible to sell things without it now, though.

I've been trying to cut back on my cat figurine collecting, I'm running out of shelf space and I'm getting too picky now for my pocketbook. Got a great collection, though. Had to put them out of the way of Phoebe, though, she thinks they're toys to be batted to the floor.

Food hasn't been particularly appealing lately and I haven't felt much like cooking it, much to Sparky's dismay. Had lots of salads and pasta, easy stuff. It sucks when you walk into a grocery store and nothing looks appetizing especially when you really are hungry. Been buying too much sweet stuff to compensate, but I don't feel like eating it. I raised my caffeine level to the point where my left eye was twitching, it took me like a week to figure out that was what was causing it, because it didn't take much. I need to get off carbs again, I feel so much better when I am, but I'm not a big veggie person and you can only eat so much meat. I ate junk food all night at the party, someone brought Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies, yikes, another hurdle to dodge when I go out for the next month or so. I used to have to sell the damn things so I'm especially vulnerable.

And I'm in that "any second now" period for my PMS (the "come on, get it over with damn it" feeling), and after eating chips and cookies all night I feel like I'm going to explode, gag. Too much salt probably.

Lots of Mac struggles lately, that's an entry by itself, though. And don't get me started on the Democratic primaries... I'm glad we have some hope to save the world from imminent destruction, but I don't like the way we're picking candidates out of desperation and the lovely media polls. I think at this point they could compare a tree stump and Dubya and the tree stum would be ten points ahead (sigh). I hate polls, and the babbling hypothesizing media in general.

Lots of skin allergies the last few weeks, been itching my hands and legs raw. I've been doing pretty good except for this new flareup, but it still annoys me. I never had hives in my life until about 8 years ago when two medicines my doctor gave me collided in my system and I've been fighting them ever since, even Tylenol gives me hives now.

On the plus side, though, I actually had a good hair day today, and two people said I looked like I've lost weight :-)

Been a weird week. It started out with Sparky bitching at me about "what can I do about my hair??" (it's sort of thin and very dark, not a good combination). I told him screw Rogaine (I tried it years ago, no dice and icky), what I really needed was a first rate cut and a professional color job with lowlights to make it look fuller. He agreed so off I went to a salon I found on the internet that sounded nice and is in a nice neighborhood near my house with his Mastercard. (It's Pope Hair for the search engines, link above ;-)

I've never had high expectations for my hair, it's always been long, fine, wavy, frizzy and I've had pretty much the same long style since I was a teen. But I looked through lots of hairstyle pics online, played with a virtual style try on website and tried to get some realistic ideas for styles my hair might actually be able to do. I'm a very low maintenance gal, don't like a lot of junk in my hair, but I've started using some styling gel, etc. in the last couple of months out of desperation because I've been really dissatisfied with it. I haven't gotten a professional cut in years, partly because it seems whenever I do my hair always looks pretty much the same or they want to make it all curly. Long story short, the stylist was fabulous, listened to my ideas, toned down my too black hair, gave me lowlights and a much shorter style that actually looks like something. And the owner suggested I try some Nioxin vitamins to strengthen my hair and nails. Nice low key, low pressure salon, with great stylists and tons of stuff to buy, so I'm going to try and be a good girl and go back every few months.

When I walked out the door, though, it started raining. Rained all day today too. Being January, which I call the death month, within 24 hours two people close to us have died. This morning my husband wakes me up to tell me my dad just called and my mother's brother died suddenly the day before. He'd had heart conditions for most of his life and several surgeries, but they were just in town last weekend visiting my parents and my uncle spent most of his time worrying about my dad's health, which has been haphazard lately. My aunt and uncle live in the Texas Hill Country, which is hours and hours away from here, so my parents spent the day debating how and if they would be able to go to the funeral. I even offered to drive, but my mom finally decided my dad would not be able to make it by plane or by car and she didn't want to leave him alone overnight so at this time none of us are going.

Also later this evening, one of our good friends called us to say his mom had finally passed away today. Poor thing, she'd been lingering for a long time, and the past week he and his siblings had been keeping constant watch over her. so we kind of knew it was coming. We had planned to attend her funeral, then thought we'd be out of town, and now it seems we're not going anywhere so we will be able to make it.

But I'm exhausted now and I need to go wash my hair for the "first time" and I'm hoping it bounces back to some semblance of the style she gave it. I bought the mousse she used and even a texturizer for my bangs, but I think tonight I'm just going to use the organic shampoo & conditioner I got (which should prolong the new color) and see how it looks. With all this rain, it's just going to frizz anyway, and it appears the furthest I'll be going from the house all weekend is to the grocery store.

The four bracelets I've assembled so far, pardon the flash

OK, on to Italian Modular Charm Bracelets finally. If you haven't seen these, they're stainless steel (and sometimes gold) stretch bracelets with links that can be switched out and customized however you want, and made whatever size you want. The really fun part is the thousands of different charms you can put on them. Most of the charms are flat, like the bracelets, which I love because I hate dangly things. They also make links with dangle charms soldered onto them if you like that sort of thing.

I didn't even know these things existed till a friend of ours, who actually just got back from Italy, was wearing one. He told me to look the maker of his (Zoppini) up on eBay or to go look at the malls, but I'm an eBay person. There are entire categorized sections of eBay devoted to these, the best place to start is in the Modular Italian category. Now there are usually over 50,000 listings in this category, but if you like to browse, it's broken up into smaller subcategories. The easiest thing to do is type in a word to search for (like "halloween") and check out what comes up. There are charms for sale from about a dollar up to $20 or $30, they are usually priced by quality. There are cheap Asian made charms and the nicer, higher quality Italian made charms. Also a number of American made ones. If you'd like them to last a long time go with at least the mid priced ones, expect to pay between $9 and $16 for them.

Now the first mistake I made was when I spent too much money on the base or starter bracelet. It's good to invest in a good quality stainless steel one, but if you end up with a lot of charms you won't even end up needing a bracelet. There are several major Italian and American companies that make them, it's best to pick one that has a brand name as a starter because there's also lots of cheapies. I had some weird idea that the charms fit over the links on the bracelet but they actually replace the links. I bought two bracelets and extra links and now have like 4 bracelets because of all the charms I've bought. The average person needs about 18 total links (including charms) to make one bracelet. The actual blank bracelets themselves, especially the matte ones and colored ones, are attractive on their own in a kind of nice urban way also. BTW, there are actually several different sizes of bracelets, some narrower and wider, but the standard 9mm "medium" sized bracelet is the one that most of the charms are made for.

When you're looking at charms there are several types. The most common are ones with enameled designs on them, then there are laser etched charms, then a variety of homemade ones. There are handpainted, handmade varieties, but be more careful with these, they're often more fragile than the factory made ones. Make sure the links say they are stainless steel and that the charms are soldered on, not glued. You can even get custom etched ones with different words and designs on them, I got one made that says "Morticia" and it looks great.

When you're flipping around looking, if you see something you like, bookmark it and check and see what else the seller has. Most of them will combine shipping on multiple purchase, though many have a 1-5 day limit on when the auctions close. Also, speaking as an eBay seller, PLEASE don't sent more than one Paypal payment, we get charged a fee for each payment sent. But anyway, you'll end up finding specific sellers that have a lot of things you like, but before you start buying, do some searches to see what price other sellers are selling the same charm for. Also, many sellers have eBay stores where they list Buy It Now items so don't overpay for something the seller has 20 more of.

Unless you have really strong fingernails, it's good to have a charm tool to help get the charms on and off of the bracelet. I bought a black plastic Zoppini brand tool, and it works great and doesn't scratch the bracelet when you're pulling and pushing on the links. They run about $6. A lot of sellers will throw in a tool when you buy a starter bracelet also. Once you get the hang of it, it's actually pretty easy to get the charms on and off.

Now that I've bored you to with all this info, let me tell you some of what I've bought so far and give you some good sellers to check out. My charms include:

A glitter Texas flag, an enameled Democratic donkey, a green shamrock, several different cat charms, a tiny gold computer, a gold camera, a motorcycle, a Batman logo, a stack of books, a witch on a broom with a black CZ in the center, a peace sign, two laser paw prints to represent my two dogs who have passed on, a police badge, a police cap, a police car, a pair of handcuffs and a pistol (I used to work in law enforcement). I also have several fleur de lis symbols, a moon and star, a horseshoe, and a teapot and cup. And I've made a Halloween themed bracelet with a jack o'lantern, a black bat, a coffin, an arched black cat, a couple of skulls, a spider web and Snoopy & Woodstock sleeping on a jack o'lantern. And I have a black witch hat, a cauldron, a witch on a broom, and a spooky owl on the way. (Got several of them today!)

These are people I've bought from and had good luck with so far:

For good inexpensive charms check out:
Pugster Inc
Fundamental Advice
Silverstone Direct

For laser engraved & custom charms:
SpectraCharms
Morning.Calm
Parodi Design

For authentic Italian, better quality and licensed charms:
Charming Chick Stuff
cmr3
MommyLuvsToShop
QuiteCharming
Nappi Italian Charms
Kelleyland Kollectibles

Back to the after effects of the last few posts... All in all the whole situation was probably a good thing, it sort of shocked me out of the hole I've been living in. When you work at home you start to take your appearance for granted, I'm afraid. Especially when the only places I go seem to be the grocery store, post office and bank. And we'll have an occasional meal out, sometimes with a little neighborhood shopping afterwards (book store, Walmart, exciting places like that). And I'm a tomboy, I don't get along with things like hose, skirts, heels or even bras. I never have, never will.

So the first thing I realized is I have to start eating better and lose some weight. I was a skinny person the first half of my life and then it started to slowly creep up on me as my health declined, which of course made me feel even worse. And gave me high cholesterol. At 5'1" every bloody pound shows and even when I was 98 pounds I wasn't a good clothes hanger, I have an odd build, it's always been hard to find clothes that fit and looked decent. I have a medium to large frame for a short person, wide shoulders, large ribcage, no waist (I've got like an inch or two between my hip bones and my ribs), I wear and 8 1/2 shoe (and I have flat feet), and now I have the added problem of having big boobs so nothing fits right anymore.

I'm so tired of wearing big baggy tee shirts and knit pants. I want to wear normal tees and jeans... and boots! I miss wearing boots but they look ridiculous with my normal pants. So, I'm trying to eat better, snack less and next I need to start some sort of exercise program. I think I'll "restart" my yoga, at least it's something.

I'm working harder on my hair also. I've always had wavy, frizzy, fine hair and I'm one of those people that refuses to use hairspray or gel, but I actually bought some straightening gel this week. Haven't tried it yet, maybe tonight. I shower before bed, so the thought of having something in my hair freaks me out. But we're actually going to a movie tomorrow night (two weekends in a row, wow!). I also had a panic attack of sorts yesterday and toned down my hair color. I colored it about a month ago, my normal Clairol blue black, but I must have left it in too long because the color took more than it usually did and it looked a little TOO black for my complexion. My hair doesn't absorb color well so I've never had that problem before. I spent an evening playing at the Clairol Try It On Studio (I look cool with purple hair, who knew?). So I'm thinking I'll try and add some brown over it, but I'm broke and couldn't afford it, then I get home and realize I actually have some color under the sink from like a year ago. Yippee! I used to always mix dark brown and black but I've been lazy this year and been buying the pre-packaged kits. So I find a bottle of Miss Clairol darkest brown (neutral base) and just go for it. And it looks better, a little softer with more depth. Maybe I'll work back towards dark brown again, who knows...

What else?? I'm trying to dress a little more girly, not be so baggy, actually remember to put on a little bit of jewelry, use a bit of makeup for actual events like dinners out with friends and things. I bought Dr. Phil's book, I'm actually going to try and read it, I like Dr. Phil. I remember when my mom was my age she gained some weight and kept it on for quite a while, then her doctor told her to lose it for her health and now she's tiny. She and my dad used to walk every day, and both got in really good shape, though now they're not able to anymore. I'm trying to get my husband out to walk, the weather has been strangely "fall like" the last week or two. And he did go for a walk this week. Men can lose weight so easily, just a couple of little changes. He's likes to walk, I'm terrible at it because of arthritis in my feet. So yoga it is for now...

Next entry, I'm finally going to get to the Italian charm bracelets :-)

Well hell, now Buffy the Vampire Slayer has officially been cancelled :-( Rumors have been floating around for some time because Sarah Michelle Gellar's contract was up this year, but apparently UPN has spared her the decision. There are talks of a spin-off series, but I wouldn't hold my breath. Hopefully Joss can keep Angel alive, the storylines have been really spectacular lately and I gotta admit, we watched all of our backlogged timeset videos of Angel before we watched Buffy (we still have two Buffys to watch, but we're actually up to date on Angel).

I don't really watch a lot of TV, so when they cancel my favorite shows I get a little upset. I'm amazed Buffy lasted this long, though, seems like everytime a really intelligent, original TV series comes around it doesn't even make it one season. Speaking of, we were flipping channels tonight during dinner and landed on the closing credits of Are You Hot?. Shallow, vain contestants who apparently weren't hot enough were actually crying in the closing credits, 'I guess I'm just not good enough...'. First off, to paraphrase Bill Maher from his new HBO show last week, 'let porn be porn, don't try to package it as primetime TV'. And what kind of message are we sending to young people? If these supermodel/stripper types aren't good enough to be considered "hot", how is the average supposed to feel? I think the show should just be put on cable TV or pay-per-view and retitled "Am I Slutty Enough?" and just let them all run around naked. For a more intelligent take on self-image click here

I had to get up early today to get some things done around the house, so I actually did manage to sit through several different shows. Dr. Phil had a really moving show on the damage that bullies cause to other kids, including one mother's heartbreaking story about her son's suicide because of some particularly vicious bullies. That's one thing I honestly never understood when I was growing up and luckily managed to avoid most of them. I didn't have a lot of friends in school, but I think I've always been the kind of person that people like that never quite knew what to make of. I'm a really intense person and I think a lot of people see that as a little bit nuts, which is fine with me.

I actually defended quite a few friends, mostly boys oddly enough, many recently arrived from foreign countries during the immigration floods of the 1970's, who the larger rednecks (especially those in the "rodeo club") would pick on. My best friend in high school, a quiet Lebanese boy with glasses, was constantly being kicked in the ass when he walked through the hallways by these thugs. He's a successful dentist now, BTW, I would bet the rednecks are lucky to be moving furniture for a living... Come to think of it, my best friend in junior high school, a slightly built gay boy, was constantly being harrassed also. I remember when I left elementary school, where life really wasn't too bad and entered the 7th grade was when I realized how mean people really were. No one actually got hurt by the bullies in elementary, but some of the kids in jr. high went on to become prison inmates at a fairly young age, one of them actually killed someone. I can't imagine the hell kids must be going through now...

I do know we seem to be raising a generation of sociopaths lately, though. I know several of my friends have kids who have been bullies from an early age, hitting and even biting other kids and their parents. Back in the early 80's when I was working as a salesperson I started to really notice that kids were suddenly much more disrespectful and prone to violence. I don't have kids, and don't want any, so I'm just giving my opinion, but I am worried about where the world is headed, I mean look where we are now. Half the people I know are out of work, most of the country is apathetically standing by while the US is just determined to go stomp the crap out of Iraq, just to prove it can (and steal their oil while they're there), and the most popular shows on TV are these mean, humiliating reality shows.