I almost did it today, I almost slept for more than five hours without waking up. And I wanted it bad, I haven't slept worth a damn the last couple of weeks, as if I ever do, but instead of my normal Lorazepam and Ambien bedtime meds last night I had Valium and Ambien. I had thought I was pretty desensitized to Valium but this time it worked really well, I was OUT, dreaming like crazy, deep down in delta wave world. Nothing particularly interesting, I remember I was walking through some sort of retail store auditing prices on shelves of towels and then... whoooosh! I hear my name and have some vague semblance of Sparky standing over me telling me about something from the Social Security office I got in the mail. What the hell?

Do you ever wake up and literally can't move because your brain still has you paralyzed from dreaming? That's where I was and suddenly I have someone talking to me, holding a letter in the dark with a flashlight and asking if he can open it and read it?? NO, GO AWAY my brain screamed but all I could manage to get out was "No, don't open my mail... don't care.. not now!". Finally after repeating that for what seemed to be about a dozen times he finally went away. Now I realize I hate to pee, what time is it, 11:30 am, crap! I went to bed at like 6 am with a projected wake up time of 3 pm, so now I have to get out of bed and use the bathroom and then make myself go back to sleep for like 3 hours. Usually after five hours in bed I've woken up several times, but I was doing so well today [sigh].

As I'm dragging myself out of bed, the cat starts crying at my closed bedroom door. Being a softie, I crack it to let her in, she likes to nap with me. I got to the bathroom, and am now half awake, and all the crap in my sinuses has shifted around just enough to make it difficult to breathe properly when I lay back down. I get comfortable back in bed, and then Sparky rattles ice cubes in the other room, which sends the cat into a frenzy and she races back out of the room and knocks the door halfway open on her way out. So I drag myself back out of bed and go close the door and manage to fall back to sleep.

For some reason the dreams I have when I've been thoroughly waken and make myself go back to sleep are always the weirdest and most vivid. And it leaves me incredibly groggy all day, like when I try and take a nap during the middle of the day, my brain doesn't do well with naps. So off I go back to dream world... This time I'm working security at a department store, but I'm not really working there, but I'm going to go in to work on Easter Sunday, but then they tell me that the store will be closed that day and I shouldn't come in, as a matter of fact I'm not needed at all. But for some reason I have all this stuff there that belongs to me and I need to take with me. But I need a lowboy to move it to my car, and there's an angry rottweiler between me and the lowboy. But I've got to get to it.

Somehow I figure out that the dog only goes ballistic when you're running away from it, and it you address her nicely and talk to her she won't bite you. I'm not sure what sort of psychological issues I'm working through here, but I manage to go out to get the lowboy and pacify the dog, who turns out to be friendly in a sort of edgy way. So I get back to the store and start loading all this stuff I have on to the cart. But it looks suspicious, because it's all clothing and beauty products, which people have given me to sell on eBay, but I realize most of it is worthless and end up trying to give as much away as possible because I don't want it.

I often dream I have way too much stuff, or have to move quickly and have too much stuff to be able to pack it all. I'm apparently overwhelmed by life it seems, because in my dreams I can never manage my belongings. I feel like that in real life too, even though everything I own is nicely organized and for the first time in my life I pretty much know what I have and where everything is.

Nonetheless, I've been all druggy and groggy the entire day, like if I lay my head down for even a minute I'll be unable to move again. Not really sleepy, just out of it, with that humming feeling in the back of my head. It reminds me of when I had mono and I was too tired to even read or watch TV but couldn't stand to sleep anymore. All I've managed to do today is make dinner, relist some eBay auctions, exercise the kitty, surf a little bit and type this.

So no Valium tonight, though I really think the main reason I feel like is from my weird sleep patterns. I bitched and whined and begged Sparky to please stop waking me up and to stop opening my damn mail. I know he's bored (and on the lookout for any credit card offers, which I get daily anyway via email and my PO box, like I'm going to fall into that trap again...), and needs a hobby, but dammit, let me sleep and have a little bit of privacy. He also woke me up when the results of my physical arrived in the mail, yes the first thing I want to hear upon waking is my cholesterol is 300+, and for phone calls (take a message, please)... I know, I need to go to bed earlier and get up earlier, I am trying, but all the constant sleep interruptions make it incredibly difficult.

OK, got that out of my system, good... Not even 1 am, too early to sleep yet, but I'm not sure what to do the next few hours. I'd like to read but I'm not sure I have brains enough to even do that right now...

OK, I got a weird 4am burst of rebellion after flipping through several sites with anti-war graphics and felt compelled to post at least a few. Also this story about the Air Force releasing over 300 photos soldiers killed in Iraq being shipped home jumped out at me. The Pentagon didn't want us to see these, I wonder why?

I've downloaded and printed new stickers for my car window, Sparky insists I replace the Dean for Texas sticker so I'll put something even more encendiary on display. To download your own protest messages check out The Fair & Balanced Pretzel. For even more, don't miss their graphics links page.

I was going to put "fishy" as my current mood for tonight, but it wasn't an option. I went out and bought stuff for dinner this weekend that's not pasta, and succumbed to the pre-cooked cold boiled shrimp at Kroger's. It was really good, and easy, I just bought some potato salad and bread for Sparky to go with it, but I've had that fishy feel on my hands all night and in my mouth. I love seafood, but I don't like fish. (Huh?) Really, I like shellfish but not fish-fish, too bland and fishy tasting.

I've really got to look at some cookbooks and magazines and figure out more interesting stuff to eat than chicken breast and steak. Our nearby grocery stores are really uninspiring, I'd give anything to have a Whole Foods or Central Market nearby, just to be able to buy pre-made, healthy food that's semi-interesting. I get bored really easily with food, though I can eat the same thing over and over till I get burned out on it. I've been checking out a healthy food delivery place for my parents to possibly use while my mom heals. if I had more money I'd love to use a service like that. It would make it really easy to lose weight also. I've lost about 5 pounds so far (in about 3 weeks?), and I do feel better and am not craving sweets and carbs like I was. I've been taking two 600mg calcium supplements a day also, which is supposed to help burn fat and cut cravings, and seems to be working. If nothing else, I'll have healthy bones :-)

Mad Mad House tonight was dramatic, it's down to the point where I don't really like any of the contestants, but I'm kind of leaning toward Nichole. Eric is so manipulative, as was Leona, whose kharmic energy came back and bit her on the ass tonight. She was such a princess, even though she won some trials, she was too unwilling to try new things. Jamie seems like such a blank slate, and she was a stripper so she's not easily embarrassed, but she doesn't even seem to be trying, I kind of thought she'd be the one to go next. I think she has that "deer in the headlights" look that the producers must like. I hated Eric the first time I saw him, he seemed like such a smart ass and a player, but I have more respect for him now. My favorite was Bonnie, but she was too openminded for her own good to win. Next week is the two hour finale, I wonder how they're going to cut it down to one when there are three people left? Looks like the eliminated guests will be making an appearance, including my least two favorites, Tim and Kelly, the loudmouthed drama queens of the group. I kind of wish I'd been taping these, but I'm sure they'll come out in a nice little DVD box set after season one is over. Glad to know they're already working on season two but I'm going to miss the current Alts.

From the archives - January 10, 2003

1. Where are you right now? Sitting at my desk in my living room/office

2. What time is it? 1:15 am

3. What are you wearing? A black short-sleeved tee shirt, light grey Old Navy capri pants, black socks and navy slippers (it's wash day!).

4. Any people or animals around you? Describe them. My husband is watching a Conan O'Brien rerun in the next room, my cat is napping on top of my big CD rack. Sparky is about 6' tall with brownish-reddish and a bit of silver in his hair, he's a big boned buy, and he's probably wearing his sleep shirt and socks. Phoebe is my black smoke Burmese, she's a medium sized very athletic kitty with a dainty little face and big gold eyes which are closed right now.

5. What are your plans for the weekend? I honestly am clueless... nothing specific, I need to work on trying to sell stuff on eBay to make some money, it's so dead right now. I'd like to work on my website some also.

Here's the DNC's Earth Day Link, which for some reason is not aligning properly in my browser...

SaveOurEnvironment.org has a petition for Earth Day about the evils of mercury pollution

EnviroLink has info on related events for this weekend

As does EarthDayNetwork, and they have a link to register to vote

Greenwatch is tracking the Bush administration's environmental misdeeds (glad someone is...)

Even if we were given a clean slate today I wonder if we'll ever be able to recreate some semblance of the world as we knew it even 30 years ago? Yes, there has been pollution and deforestation for many years before that, but we're just so damned efficient at it now.

I can't make it to Washington, but for anyone who can, the March for Women's Lives is this weekend. I hope it accomplishes something, give them a few bucks if you can afford it, I did ;-)

Had to make a new category, I look at a lot of blogs but don't have as much time to read them all as I wish, but better to be a good blogger and pass them on than just store them in my ever-growing bookmark list. I'm afraid I'm still stuck in the "website" mindset when it comes to links, etc., even though I've had this blog up for over a year.

Flipping around lately I've found some really great ones. SistersTalk is a black lesbian woman's astute observations on the insanity going on politically in our screwed up world.

A View From A Broad is the LiveJournal of a female soldier in Iraq who is also a fan girl, which makes for some interesting reading. I scared the crap out of my parents in high school by talking to Army recruiters (who called the house repeatedely), but decided any job that makes you get up at the crack of dawn daily would not work for me. In high school I had no clue what to do for a career, I graduated in 1980. Signed on for Computer Science like most of my friends, but after failing Calculus three times decided I really hated the sciences, and, at the time, really sucked at computers. (We're talking punch cards here, folks).

Baghdad Burning is another perspective on the war from an Iraqi woman's point of view. Eerie and enlightening, like reading Anne Frank's journal online in real time.

Feministe is a mom who defends abortion rights in a common sense & logical fashion. (I'm all for logic & common sense, not nearly enough of it out there to go around these days)

I don't really understand I Am Eating My Husband's Soul, sort of an ongoing fantasy scenario thing, but it's damned funny and the writing is first rate.

WitchyBitch has a pagan point of view and a great name ;-)

Late as usual, so I'm postdating this one by a few hours to be on the right day...

Sparky and I had our 14th anniversary today, or our 7th in my parents and the state of Texas eyes. We got married on the same date we met so we could keep it simple in our mind. We went to the same seafood restaurant that we did last year, and I ate the same thing, broiled shrimp, scallops, oysters and a stuffed crab. And I broke my diet a bit for a piece of their key lime pie ;-) My parents gave us a "universal gift certificate" (cash) to eat at Macaroni Grill also, but I think we'll do that next week because farfalle alfredo con pollo is really off my diet. So we've officially been married now longer than we lived together, which was already the longest relationship either of us had survived. It's a nice feeling, we've got the house, no kids, and can work from home without too many worries (knock on wood). We exchanged cute cards, and he proudly wrote on mine the first thing I said to him this morning, 14 years later, and her only request is "Don't fart on me". OK,I did say that, but I prefaced it with "please".

Then we drove around the Westheimer area, which we hardly ever go to anymore because of all the traffic and construction, and went to a new & used DVD store that some of Sparky's friends had been telling him about. He ended up buying one DVD and I bought three CDs. I have a "look for cheap" list for when we go shopping to replace some of my old cassettes and things and managed to get two of my Pixies CDs new for $10.99 each (Surfer Rosa and Trompe le Monde) and the latest David Bowie CD Reality, which is playing now and sounds very much like Heathen, which is next up on the CD changer. Hmm, Amazon has the same price on the two Pixies CDs and the Bowie CD for a buck less, oh well. I have a huge Amazon wishlist, lots of things to get when I get a windfall, or business gets better. I'm glad they let you rate the items now, because I have lots of "maybes" on my list and it's nice to be able to see the "must haves" first... Damn, Amazon's selling diamond jewelry now?

Time to take Phoebe in for her annual checkup, she's got some itchy spots that don't look like fleas, poor thing. I changed her food last time from the Hill's Science Diet for Sensitive Skin to the new one they just came out with the Advanced Protection one, but I'm going to switch her back. We killed another feather toy last night and they're hard to find in stock at Petsmart so I looked them up online and found them at a place called PetfoodDirect.com. Shipping was like $6.99 for just a couple of them or a lot, so I picked four and then wondered how much more it would be to order her food and it was only another dollar so I added it on also. And got an extra 5% off (and after I checked out got a pop-up for 20% off, dammit!). I've never bought pet food online before, this is a new experience. I really like that brand of feather toy, though, it has the nicest wand (doesn't hurt my hand) and the feather swivels nicely and makes little swooshing sounds.

Oh yes, bad news, turns out my mother does have a small fracture in her hip but the doctor says it's already mending and won't need surgery. I've been trying to figure out what I can do to help them the next month or two while my mom has to rest and stay off her feet. I've looked into meal home delivery for them, I know when I worked downtown a lot of people would have their lunches delivered daily. She didn't sound too enthusiastic when I mentioned it, but two months is along time for my dad to have pick up their dinner daily and I'm not much of a cook at all. I'm still trying to figure out what we can eat regularly to substitute for the pasta I'm not supposed to have anymore. I love beef, but chicken bores me and I'm not a fish fan. I'd eat shrimp every day if I could but we'd go broke ;-)

Spent all night listing DVDs on eBay and I think I'm officially braindead now... Sparky went to a film party so it was just me and Phoebe, we had a nice quiet no TV evening. Started the new birth control pill last night, not freaking out yet but I didn't take a break so I still feel all PMS-ey.

Listened to my new CD tonight, Horace Silver's Song For My Father, which I've been looking for on and off ever since I heard it playing in a book store one night (Rikki, don't lose that number...) very nice album. I like my jazz with a lot of piano, a few songs are heavy on the brass but not too much. It's weird, it took me like 30 years to realize how much I like to hear piano music especially, Elton John and Vince Guaraldi have always made me irrationally happy and improve my typing, which was awful tonight. I always wanted to learn to play and was jealous of my friends who actually had pianos in their houses. I had three guitars and sucked both acoustically and electrically :-(

I bought the CD when I bought the GoLive book, which I returned last night. I hope my manuals from Adobe come soon, I paid for 2 day shipping on a whim, if they show up Monday I'll be amazed. Adobe didn't bother to provide me with any tracking info, however. We went to see Kill Bill Volume 2 last night, really good movie but not quite as much fun as the first one, more story, less action. Still a really good movie, though, great fight scene with Daryl Hannah. Quentin Tarantino's amazing, Pulp Fiction is one of those movies I can't flip past on TV without mindlessly sitting and watching the whole thing. We got Kill Bill Vol. One on DVD when it came out, there is the cutest picture of Uma Thurman's Bride action figure, and a Go-Go figure too, where would I put them though?